I do everything for him

Dear Anne

I live with my boyfriend of two years. Who seems never to be affectionate. I'm always affectionate towards him, always making the first move. He just sits there and doesn't respond towards me, leaving me feeling unloved and ignored. I cook, clean, do favours for him, anything he asks for. When I ask for affection or for him to clean up after himself, perhaps be nice and cook dinner, he replies that he has a lot on his mind, making me feel guilty for asking him in the first place. I too have a lot going on - I have a 2 year old daughter that I support through working full-time. I feel like a housewife. I always stay home and hardly have a social life. He recently started accusing me of cheating which I would never do. I love him with all my heart and would do anything for him. Why is he doing this, Anne? Please help. Should I stay or leave? Could he be cheating? Kristy

Dear Kristy

Poor you! Because you love this guy, you wait on him hand and foot, do him favours, make him the centre of your universe and shower him with affection. And what do you get in return? Zilch. In fact worse than zilch. You get guilt-trips you don't deserve.

So what's going on in this pattern of relating? What he's getting is someone who if he ignores, only tries harder to please him. His every whim granted without his having to lift a finger! Why would he change something that works so well for him? But what are you getting? Used and neglected.

You matter. You're not his slave, you're his equal. And you have the smarts to write in to find solutions. The first is to stop making him the ruler of your world. Stop placating him. Stop taking responsibility for his feelings. Stop trying to buy his attention. That's hard, I know. But doing the dishes doesn't make him kiss you, does it? All it does is get the dishes done. Then you can reward yourself with some fun with your daughter, a phone-call to a friend, a bubble-bath or a good book. Spend time with nurturing people so you start to remember what that feels like. Find a confidence or assertiveness course when the new Adult Education season starts and maybe talk to other parents. Friends don't come with labels on! But the more you talk to others, the more chance you have of palling up with someone who has a bit in common with you.

Notice that none of this is directly to do with him. As you centre more of your attention on yourself (and your daughter as well, of course), you'll start to feel stronger. Whole again. Sure, be nice to him, but don't take his moods personally. Reassure him if you want to, but don't let his accusations make you grovel. If you want a hug, ask for one. Is he having an affair? No idea, but probably not because he's got everything he wants right at hand.