Nothing left without him

Dear Anne

I met my partner two years ago. I have two children aged 19 and 17. My son has left home and my daughter is about to. My partner says that they can never come to my house again, that they disrespect me and treat me badly. In fact the problem is that he is so controlling. My daughter called me a slag after an argument and now he is saying that she must have called me that for a reason. I am not one! I'm so messed up, I feel like life isn't worth it any more. I've lost everything because of one man that I've tried so hard for. I am in so much debt, I've lost my kids and all my family, my mother doesn't want to know any more, and it's still not good enough. He wants me all to himself. I don't know what to do any more. My children and I used to be so close, and now we are not. If I let him go I will have nothing left and will be totally on my own. Sue

Dear Sue

I'm so sorry for you. I understand your fear that without this guy you'll have nothing - but from here it looks just the opposite. If you give up everyone you love, everything that makes you you, you'll have nothing left, not even yourself. Because whatever you do, this possessive, controlling man is never, ever, going to be satisfied, is he? His tactics are selfish. He doesn't support you or understand you.

But that's only what it looks like from outside. From inside, viewed through that distorting lens, it must look like if you don't have him, you'll never be loved. Please acknowledge that there's good love and bad. If he offered you good love, he'd accept your kids and family as a valuable enrichment of your and his life. He'd help you with them and with your finances, and more than that, he'd help you feel cherished, lovable, stable and secure. Instead he's working to isolate you and make you feel dependent only on him. That way he can manipulate you into doing whatever he wants. He'd be the king and you'd be his only subject. Fine for him, but what about you, your kids and your mum? You matter too!

You could tell him that you love your kids and they're always going to have a home with you. You could try inviting him to couples counselling - but I doubt he'd accept. Or you could kick him into touch. I'm not sure you'd feel able for that right now, so how about finding some individual counselling? As you're feeling depressed and stressed, you can always go and talk things through with your GP. If appropriate, short-term medication, brief counselling or stress management training can give you new and improved coping skills so you rediscover the light at the end of the tunnel. How you feel now isn't how you'll always feel! Your doctor may have a list of voluntary counselling organisations near you, or you could go to www.mind.org.uk to see if they could offer you free counselling. You sound depressed and lacking in self-esteem, and with a counsellor you could rebuild your confidence, which would leave you more optimistic and better placed to make good, self-supportive decisions.