Husband avoids sex

Dear Anne

I've been married for the second time for three and a half years. No matter how hard I try, my husband is not interested in sex. I've tried everything and I'm now getting to the stage where if nothing happens, I can't go on like this. It's starting to affect me badly now. I have suggested taking him to the doctor's as this is not normal reaction to have. Please can you help in any way? I feel now the only solution is a trial separation as I am starting to feel I want to go with some-one else. Thanks. Rosemary

Dear Rosemary

I'm sorry you and your husband haven't been able to build a mutually-satisfying sex-life. I notice you say you have been trying. Your sex-life is a shared thing. His sexual difficulties aren't a rejection of you. You're not responsible for your husband's reactions or lack of them. Your sole efforts haven't encouraged him to be more sexy and I very much doubt your absence would either. Blame, sulks and guilt-trips certainly aren't going to work. Let's see what might help.

Some people just don't have a high sex-drive and others do. There's not huge amounts either of you can do about that. Your husband might go to the doctor, who could determine whether it's a physical or emotional problem. If appropriate, and if your husband's health is up to it, medication might be useful but your doctor is the best one to say. If a physical problem means your husband can't get or maintain and erection, surgery could perhaps help.

But most sexual dysfunction stems from emotional causes. Stress. Tiredness. Negative associations with sex or intimacy. Guilt, feelings of inadequacy, and fear of disappointing the partner. (See how blame, criticism and pressure just make things worse?) Any or all of these can mean sex becomes a terror or a trial, another arena for failure and feelings of rejection. Which means that many people who avoid sex find it too upsetting to talk about as well.

So hopefully you'll offer your husband love, understanding, patience and support with your mutual problem. This might make it easier for him to go to the doctor. He and you may also choose to find a counsellor who'll work sometimes with both of you as a couple and sometimes with each of you as individuals. You don't need a sex therapist, just someone who's able to work with the two of you to improve communication, mutual support and intimacy. You might seek a practitioner with a background in Transactional Analysis. You could email admin@ita.org.uk to ask for a list of those in your area. You and your husband might also go to www.relate.org.uk/sexproblems. After all, you're in this together and together's the only way you can resolve this.

If your husband isn't willing to work with you to sort this out, then the counsellor could help you arrange the least hurtful split. Or you could go to www.resolution.org.uk to find a mediator.

However this works out, I hope you'll be kind to each other because each of you is hurting. Good luck.