Dear Anne
I'm in a relationship. My boyfriend told me I try too hard. Is he going to finish with me? Kelly
Dear Kelly
It's interesting that instead of asking your boyfriend if he's going to finish with you, you ask me. That smacks of fear. Fear that unless you behave exactly the way you think he wants, that he'll dump you. That's really not a good basis for a relationship.
That's not to say he's going to pack you in. It sounds more like he wants to help you. I do sympathise with your fear, but it's not helping you feel OK and it's not helping you build good relationships either. Nice guys don't want puppets. They want real, breathing human beings with feelings and opinions of their own. If you tiptoe round being on your best behaviour with him, he's bound to feel uncomfortable, as though you view him as some capricious ogre who could slay you with a glance.
It's much more healthy for both of you if you relax and be yourself. You may be thinking, "But how do I do that?" By building your confidence and widening your interests and social circle, that's how. You need to learn to love yourself, which will help you realise you deserve good love. That way you can winnow out guys who don't leave you feeling accepted and valued and find ones who do.
You could start with the self-esteem section of www.coping.org. Come the autumn, you might look for a confidence or assertiveness course at your local adult education or further education college. Meantime you could practise saying, "I think/I feel ..., how about you?"
For what it's worth, anyone who insists you view things exactly his way is damaged and controlling. Shared interests and perspectives are great, and essential in the big things (marriage, kids, family, honesty, responsibilities, alcohol/drugs). But if your feller wanted to go out with a carbon-copy of himself, he'd be a total narcissist, wouldn't he? Instead he sounds like someone who cares enough about you to offer you support.
Will this relationship work out long-term? I don't know. Neither do you and neither does he. What we do all know is that if it's good enough, it will last, and if it doesn't, then you'll both be free to find a better match. Dating is supposed to be fun, not an exam!
Good luck, Kelly, and have faith in yourself!
