I can change him

I've experienced a lot this last week about my latest boyfriend. I can't seem to get through to him that he has a lack of communcation. We've been together 4 months nearly and I feel he doesn't make an effort in this relationship. Once I only saw him because I went to his house and twice now he's stood me up. I broke down because I was sick of how he's been treating me. I've been texting him to see if he was okay and he's done nothing in reply. All my family have been trying to tell me to get rid of him. They say he's no good but I feel like I can change him to be a better person, only I can't express my feelings to him except through a text or a letter, and I'm too embarassed to give him a letter. What shall I do? Misty

Dear Misty

Frustrating, isn't it? You can see how brilliant everything would be for you and this guy if only he'd stop being himself and do everything your way. As you read that, can you see the thought distortion it contains? Or are you angry with me? Read on, then see what you think ...

Does this guy naturally have a warm and affectionate nature? Does he place the same level of importance on your relationship that you do? Does he let you feel valued enough to say how you feel? Does he treat you well? Well, you can see (because you've said so) that he doesn't. He doesn't bother to keep dates, he doesn't really keep in touch, he won't really talk or listen to you and he's certainly not respectful of your feelings. But you don't want to accept that. You want him to change so you get what you want. How's that been working for you?

Believe me, whether you talk to him, text, write or put an advert in the paper, you'll keep getting what you've been getting. Because whether you like it or not that's the kind of guy he is. You've asked and asked him and got nowhere. If he wanted to change, he would. But he doesn't, does he? He's happy as he is.

Do you like doing what everyone else tells you? Of course not. So why should this guy like you telling him he's doing it all wrong and he should do it your way? Aren't you just telling him, "I don't like or value you who you are?" Who'd feel happy about that?

Here's a different question: why are you so set on turning this guy into someone else? Why don't you just look for someone else who naturally is as affectionate and attentive as you are? Who wants what you want from this relationship and from life? Isn't it time to accept that going out with him leaves you sick of his neglectful behaviour?

I'm not telling you what to do. That would be disrespectful. I'm only holding up a mirror so you can look at this situation in a valid problem-solving way. I wish you the confidence to realise there are thousands of available - and emotionally available - guys out there. And you can date around to find one who suits you. Good luck.