Dear Anne
I'm having problems with my family. I have an illness - dyslexia. Anyway when I was young I used to live with my nan but soon I had to leave her to live with my aunty. The problem is that they're very mean to me. They have no interest in me and they think I have no friends. I have many friends but life is very uneasy. I have to play out, I have to watch TV, I have to do everything my aunt and uncle want me to do. When I try to stick up for myself there is nobody there to stick up for me too. I feel like I want to run away or be fostered by a better family but I'm too scared. My uncle and aunt take weed. I hate them both and I really hate life too. Please help me! It would be a great relief for someone finally to help me through my problems. Oh, and one more thing: I also live with my cousin. They only pay attention to him and he is always mean to me. He drinks lots and never gets blamed. I hate life. Please help me. Thanks. Mr X
Dear Mr X
I'm sorry you're so miserable at home with your aunt and her family. It's not easy for a lot of young people, whether they're with biological parents or fosterers. Some people naturally offer the kind of parenting the child/ren want, but quite a lot don't. It's not about your worth as a human being. You deserve good love that makes you feel welcome and valued - but sadly, not all parent-figures are able to offer that. Whatever you're currently getting, it's up to you how you handle it.
You might feel that's an invitation to hopelessness. But it isn't. It's a statement of your power. What you do have is relatives who care enough to offer you a home, food, clothing. If you look back through these pages you'll find other letters from young people who are unhappy with their families of origin. The teens can be very tough, but like others, you can use your power to invite more positive responses from your folks. Try the following for a few weeks to see what difference it makes.
Hard though it may be, it's useful to show your appreciation for what your aunt and uncle do do for you. Offer to make them a cup of tea now and then. Show some interest in them and their doings, talk a bit about what's happening in your life, and mention pleasant activities with your friends now and then. Offer to do some more chores without being asked, and do them cheerfully. Take good care of your things. Be seen to do your homework, mention any good marks you get and talk a bit about what you're learning to show them you care about yourself and your future. As far as you can, steer clear of your cousin.
That's a very important point. You are likable or you wouldn't have friends. You matter. With dyslexia it's easy to feel inadequate, but some extremely famous and successful people have worked around that and built great lives. How about Richard Branson? Actress Susan Hampshire? Prize-winning author and professor of English Samuel Delaney? Albert Einstein? You could enter "famous dyslexics" into a search engine and you'll find loads of websites devoted to them. Dyslexia isn't an illness. People can be extremely intelligent and still have dyslexia. OK, it means you have some difficulties with reading and writing, but you communicate very well and you're obviously bright and perceptive. In fact your spelling is no worse than that of a lot of other people. And with dyslexia most people get a great gift: creativity.
Now let's talk about sticking up for yourself. It's worth picking your battles. You could develop a more assertive approach. Assertiveness is neither aggressive nor passive. It's based on behaviours which are mutually respectful. You can't make your aunt, uncle and cousin treat you with respect, but you can increase your chances greatly by earning respect with your behaviours. Say you want to do something but your aunt or uncle say no. You could get angry and shout. That would be childish and probably lead to an argument or a punishment. Or you could just give up or sulk. But what you might do instead is accept it for now with as good a grace as you can muster, but ask again another time, with a short, simple explanation of why it's a good idea and how you'll keep yourself safe, what time you'll get back, where you'll be, doing what and with whom. You may find the assertiveness and confidence-building ideas at www.operationhomefront.org/downloads/Emotional_Intellegence_13-18.pdf useful.
You don't have to be alone with your unhappiness. It's great that you've written in. You can get in touch with the teen advisory and support service Connexions on 080 800 13 2 19 or via www.connexions-direct.com. Perhaps you can also talk to your friends or their parents.
Now, if you feel you're being abused or neglected, you could ring Childline on 0800 1111, or talk to your school nurse. You could ring the free, anonymous Crimestoppers line on 0800 555 111 to report your uncle's and aunt's use of marijuana. Unless your aunt and uncle are dealers, though, there's little likelihood of them being jailed and it's not that likely that you'd be rehomed on that basis.
You won't always be this age and in this position. One day you'll be able to start a career and set up your own home. You'll increasingly be able to make your life more the way you want it. You don't have to view yourself the way your aunt, uncle and cousin do. As you learn to appreciate and develop your good points, you'll have more choices to make your life rewarding and invite good love into it. I've always loved the phrase, "I am who I choose to become." I wish you all the best.
