I'm destroying our love

Dear Anne

For about a year now I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend. I really love him, but the problem is I'm slowly destroying our relationship by trying to control his ways. I can't stand him going out with his friends. When he does I get really upset and think of things that could be happening and get scared he won't come back to me. I always have a go at him and say nasty things the day after he has been out but I just feel so upset when he goes out. Lauren

Dear Lauren

I'm glad you recognise that criticism and control aren't getting you what you want. Indeed, they're more likely to drive your boyfriend away, aren't they? I'm not suggesting you become a doormat. Far from it. But realistically you have two choices.

The first is to start accepting that your boyfriend loves you - and that you're worthy of his love. Most jealousy stems from low self-esteem. So why does he love you? What's good about you? Writing a list, perhaps with help from him, your family, friends and workmates, of your good qualities could help you start feeling more lovable and thus more able to take in that he does love you and come home to you. You might keep a positive book, in which you note not only these things but signs of affection he's given you. You could also expand your social life and interests so you don't feel dependent only or primarily on him for good feelings about yourself. He's not responsible for your happiness. You are.

And the second is to slow down and actually listen to your feelings. Not just the ones you like or feel you should have, not just the ones you generate by your "What if?" thinking, but all of them. When you're together, do you feel you have to "earn" his attention? Or do the two of you automatically give each other the same balance of closeness and space? If you're fairly often wanting more attention than he naturally offers, or if you feel you have to be on your best behaviour rather than feeling relaxed and comfortable around him, you could ask him if he's willing to negotiate for what you both need to feel loved and valued. And if he isn't, then maybe you and he don't want the same things from your relationship and you'd both be better off free to find partners who do fit in with you.

I wish you love that feels good to you. You deserve it.