Dear Anne
My girlfriend and I have been sleeping together for around 5 months. In her previous relationship, she and her ex had sex at least double we've had in around the same time. Is it natural to feel a little upset and jealous when I think about it? I try not to think about it but it's hard because she's so beautiful and we love each other. It's just sickening to think someone else has slept with her. Is this normal? Sam
Dear Sam
I notice that your questions are about whether it's normal and natural to get upset about past partners, rather than dealing with the discomfort you're creating. Well, a small minority of people do get jealous of their partner's exes, but while it's not uncommon, it's not healthy. Nor is it good for you or your girlfriend. All it accomplishes is unhappiness and a greater likelihood of splitting up.
Your girlfriend doesn't come out of a box like a toy on a supermarket shelf. Of course she's got a past. Just about everybody has exes. But the point is they're exes. She and that guy aren't together. She's chosen to be with you.
And what of your belief that she had sex more times per month with her ex than with you? If it's true, it could mean all sorts of things. That his and her relationship was so empty it had few other points of contact. That they had more free time or more energy. That they didn't have a good social life. That your obsession with her past loves is intrusive, uncomfortable and controlling so she's backing off. That every time you and she start to get intimate, she's put off because she's worried that you're going to get upset and/or critical again. That your obsession with her past puts you off.
So what are you going to do about it? Hopefully you'll do your best to stop that childish possessiveness. Good love isn't clutching at someone like a drowning man. It's accepting and respecting the person they are now, and enjoying the fact that they've chosen you. It's valuing their feelings and their right to their own individual self, and expecting the same in return. It's treating each other with care and affection. It's taking in and valuing each intimacy, whether it be a shared moment or a physical sign of love, as a sign that you are loved because you're lovable.
If you can't let go of your anxiety, maybe it's time to talk to a counsellor. Otherwise your irrational anxieties are going to accomplish just what you fear: that you and she will stop loving each other. I wish you both every happiness, and I wish you the confidence to invite that good love rather than trying to force it. Good luck.
