Dear Anne
I'm a 22 year old male who is incredibly confused about his sexuality. I've had crushes on women my whole life - I can think of at least 15 - and I've been in sexual relationships with 5 different women. However, when I was 10 a male friend of the same age and I would regularly masturbate each other. I enjoyed the sensations but afterwards would always feel like it should be something I should do with a woman, not a man. I began to resent my friend as soon I realised the gay connotations behind what we were doing, and I ended our friendship. However, when I began masturbating alone I would often think about what we had done, or even occasionally watch gay porn on the internet. This never troubled me as I've never once had any sort of crush on a man, or thought about a man in such a way. Recently, however, I just randomly began thinking about my sexuality. Despite always considering myself straight, and knowing that I could never be in a relationship with another man (the idea of intimacy such as hugging/kissing/going on dates with another man repulses me) I've become terrified that I'm in denial or am a repressed homosexual. I've had to quit my job as I freak out every time I see a handsome man (I fear that the fact I know he's handsome means I'm gay). I spend about 10 hours of the day online trying to find answers to questions such as "How or when do you know you're gay?" I feel that my whole life has been a lie and I'm going to lose my girlfriend whom I love with all my heart. I've been referred to a psychiatrist but I'm terrified she'll tell me I'm gay and I'll have to live a life that is so alien to what I want and always thought I would have. Andy
Dear Andy
I'm sorry that you've got yourself in such a state about all this. For what it's worth, after reading your letter I really don't think you're gay. Here's why.
Many pubsecent boys (and girls) experiment with the new physical sensations, often with same-sex friends. At that age all those new hormones sloshing about in teen or pre-teen bodies mean people can find the most surprising things erotic, let alone actual stimulation of the sexual organs by either gender. Most then get feelings of guilt and shame and try to pretend it hadn't happened. Some later start worrying that the experimentation means they're gay. But it doesn't.
So what are indications of being gay? Usually (a) that the person genuinely finds the other gender sexually offputting, and (b) that they seek and enjoy sexual experiences only or primarily with the same sex. So what if you recognise that some guys are good-looking? You'd have to be blind or daft not to. I recognise that some women are beautiful but I'm happily heterosexual and happily married. No doubt you also find many women attractive, including your girlfriend.
Good luck, Andy.
