In love with ex's brother

Dear Anne

I am in love with my ex's brother and he feels the same. We've loved each other for 4 years. The thing is, he asked me out at the same time as my ex did, and I turned him down. I paid the price as my ex was evil. His brother is now married and wants to have an affair with me. He said he wants to leave his wife in his own time but he's not in contact with me any more. What can I do? Anon

Dear Anon

I'm sorry you're upset about all this. Let's see. You're in love with a guy who's happy having an extra-marital affair with no commitment to you. A disrespectful deceiver, in fact. A guy, moreover, who isn't even keeping in touch with you. Doesn't sound like a recipe for a good relationship, does it?

Let's talk about love. It comes in two flavours: good and bad. With good love, you're stable, secure and centred. You know exactly where you stand because both of you are consistently and openly acting to show your love and bring about a shared future. Good love is in the real world. But that's not what you've got, is it? You've got feelings which are mostly generated by fantasy and wishful thinking. You're sitting around waiting for him to pick you up like a doll he can easily put down again. You deserve better!

So what can you do? You could keep yourself in this painful uncertainty, which would save you from making new and more rewarding friendships and relationships. Or you could realise you don't like what you've got so it's time to look for happiness elsewhere. Isn't it time now to start casual dating so you can work out who is and isn't right for you and how to be yourself around men?

I wish you happiness and good love. Don't settle for less!