I'm the family pariah

Dear Anne

This request for advice involves my 3 sisters. I am 52, the middle son of a family of 5 kids. I had a good relationship with my father but a difficult time with my mother. I was sent away to boarding school at the age of 9. Over the past 2 years I've been considered the pariah of the family, having been totally ignored by all 3 sisters. I had a disagreement with my eldest brother-in-law and from that day on my 3 sisters decided to ignore both myself and my wife. I have always been made to feel like an outsider by these 3 girls. At every opportunity my 3 sisters have always found a way to blame me for any problems within the family. All I want is a civilised situation. However I think they are very strong characters and only want to humiliate me should contact be re-established. I believe at this time no resolution will ever be found. Frank

Dear Frank

I'm so sorry your sisters have decided that you're the family scapegoat. The fact that they treat you this way is about them, not about you.

You speak of your parents in the past tense so I assume they're no longer alive. This may have a bearing on how your sisters have behaved over the last couple of years. Often when the last surviving parent dies, the siblings start, or escalate, arguments in a subconscious attempt to be top dog. Because it's subconscious, it's not necessarily something they're aware of or would admit to if they knew, but it may help you see it from a slightly different perspective.

I'm sorry that you felt exiled from the family when you were sent to boarding school. Often parents make that choice out of the loving belief that it's best for the child, but it doesn't always turn out that way. Sibling rivalry is a real factor, and with your being away so much, it made it harder for your siblings to accept you back into the home where once again they had to share your mum's attention. I'm glad you got on well with your dad, but it sounds like your mum had difficulties with being loving towards you. That's not your fault. You were a child and as a human, fallible parent she failed you in some ways even though she was probably doing her best. Some parents have a prejudice against one sex or the other, and some just get worn out by parenting large families. As for your sisters' daft notion that somehow you, one of 5 children and 7 people in the family, a child who through no choice of your own often wasn't there anyway, somehow had the power to cause "all" the problems in the family, it's statistically improbable and emotionally impossible. You don't have to believe such idiocies, and it's not worth arguing with people who are dense enough to cling onto beliefs like that.

So where does this leave you? You could try holding your breath until your sisters behave in more welcoming ways ... You'd soon see that this just isn't going to work. You can't get blood out of a stone and unpleasant people aren't suddenly going to start being pleasant. So here are some tactics you may decide to employ.

You know you're lovable and likable because nice people love and like you. You might decide to have some counselling to help you come to terms with your feelings of not belonging and not being important. Given your circumstances I'd particularly recommend a practitioner with a background in Transactional Analysis. You could find one by emailing admin@ita.org.uk to ask for a list of those in your area. You may also find it useful to read the first section of my book Is Your Family Driving You Mad? (Anne Nicholls).

Going back to that breath-holding thing, you may just have to accept that your sisters are childish enough not to want you in their gang. While you cling to the hope that they'll start behaving well, you make yourself vulnerable and may even set yourself up for renewing your heartache. Instead you can choose to spend more time with loving, nurturing people who welcome and value you.

If you do decide to renew contact with your sisters, you could keep meetings fairly brief and on neutral territory such as cafes or restaurants. If one of your sisters or brothers-in-law says something unkind, you don't have to get into an argument about it. You could feel sorry for their immaturity and poor social skills. Their jealousy and put-downs are actually a tribute to you (because why would anyone be jealous of someone powerless and unimportant?) as well as a mark of their own childish insecurities. If you hear an unkind remark, you could just say chattily, "That was unkind, wasn't it?" or "You're entitled to your opinion." And then talk about something else.

You don't mention your brother. Hopefully you get on rather better with him than with your sisters. If so, how about spending some time with him? As you renew those ties, you may find it useful to ask him if he too feels alienated from your sisters.

You don't and never did deserve those feelings of alienation that certain members of your family tried to hand you. You're not defined by their shortcomings. You deserve good love and you can now choose to spend time with those who can offer it. I wish you confidence and every happiness.