Dear Anne
I'm going to secondary school in September and at the moment I have two great friends, but I can't be in the same class as them. One is going to a different school and the other is in the year below. What can I do to make friends? I've tried but I just can't talk to people. Help me! Wimp
Dear Confident You
The first thing is to stop giving yourself negative labels! It discounts your good qualities, misses out tons of positive information about you and your life, and ignores the fact that like all of us, you can learn, change and grow. You've had the brains to write in to find solutions so I have every confidence that you'll get to where you want to be.
What about that belief that you can't talk to "people"? You can talk to some of them, can't you? You can talk to nice people, and you obviously have some of the arts of friendliness or you wouldn't have friends, let alone good friends. Enough with the all-or-nothing thinking!
Now for your powers of observation. Look at people around you. You'll discover that friendship isn't about who you are, it's about what you do. (You can prove this to yourself by imagining the most popular and likable person you know turning their back on a friend. How would that friend feel? And all without a word being spoken!) What behaviours make someone likable? A pleasant smile, appropriate eye-contact (around 2 seconds), a cheerful and welcoming greeting, showing some interest in them and their lives and interests, and sharing some of yours with them. Being a good listener. Acknowledging their feelings. Being helpful (but if they keep taking without giving, let them drift to the edge of your social circle so you don't end up used and resentful). Looking confident - you don't have to feel confident to act confidently - just walk and stand straight, head level, making that eye-contact, smiling and greeting. Look pleased to see the other person, and act as if you know they're going to like you.
Accept too that some people are nice and some people aren't. That's about them, not you. On average around 7 or 8 people out of ten will respond positively if you behave in a warm and friendly way towards them. I hope you'll practise this over the summer, in safe settings like supervised activity groups. Your local library, recreation or leisure centre and/or your council website will have information about activities for young people during the holidays.
Now get a piece of paper and list all the people who've ever loved, liked or been good to you. Do it as repetitive sentences: X loves me, Y loves me, so I'm lovable; A likes me, B likes me so I'm likable, M was nice to me, N was nice to me so I can get nice treatment.
You deserve happiness and good, rewarding friendships. Behave in ways that invite them, don't have too much to do with people who aren't nice to you, and you'll be fine. Good luck!
