I want my own life!

Dear Anne

I just don't know what to do. I'm 16 and am just about to do my GCSE's at this all-girls grammar school that takes more than 7 grand a year from my parents for my education, and my parents rub it in my face that I have caused all the financial problems in the family. I didn't choose to go there. I was put there so that I'd be separated from the opposite sex as they think I would have gone 'bad' (sighs) and so I could 'concentrate' on my work. I don't understand my parents at all. My dad's always at work so I never really get to talk to him but when I do, it's always "Why do you look like that? Your hair's rank!" Or "You'd better do well in these exams! You have to be a doctor!" I only see him in the mornings when he drops me off to school for about 10 minutes and that's it for the rest of the day, every day, 7 days a week. My mother on the other hand is always having a go saying how hard Dad works to feed this family and how much she and my little sister are suffering because we don't have any money. Mum tells me to tell her things that are bothering me but when I do, she just shouts at me and tells me I'm wrong. I just need someone to listen to me. I can't talk to my sister as she is only two. I can't talk to my friends because I'm not allowed to meet up with them outside school because my parents think I will choose my friends and go 'bad'. I'm not allowed a boyfriend although I do have one without my parents actually knowing. He's the only person that listens to me and has kept me from going crazy to be honest. I'm not allowed one because it's tradition to have an arranged marriage - something I hate the sound of already! Mum's always going on about how dumb I am and that they only accepted me in the school because they wanted the money, not me. She's always saying how she's brought me up so tough and she's had a hard time but I've ended up the opposite, that I don't exist to her any more, she doesn't want me as her daughter any longer. She also said 'To me, you're dead'! So at the end of it, I can't have friends, I can't have a social life, I don't have anyone to talk to, I cause problems in the family. I was nearly kicked out for standing up for myself. Finally everything got so bad and to take my pain away I started to self-harm. I felt so much better until the day where my mother lost it completely and the things she said to me almost led me to suicide. I took an overdose but it failed. Things are getting so bad, every time I talk to my mum it's always an argument. I'm exhausted. I just want my own life, not her living her life through mine. I hate it! Dinkle

Dear Dinkle

It's very hard to have critical, controlling parents and I sympathise. You're in a difficult situation but there are things you can do about it.

First of all, you're allowed to feel what you feel and know what you know. It's not always safe to say these things out loud but you're the one who's responsible for what goes on inside your head. Secondly, you can't change another person's prejudices so it's worth picking your battles and knowing when to hold your tongue. You don't have to believe things that you know aren't true. You know, and I know, that you didn't choose to go to that school and how your parents choose to spend their money is up to them. Grammar schools don't just keep dim kids around for the money. There are plenty of bright kids who'd love to have your place if you weren't using it. The fact that the school's kept you on is a tribute to your intelligence. You know you're bright and so do I. Your mum says harsh (and untrue) things both to manipulate you and to express her own frustrations. After all, it can't be much fun being either your unhappy, lonely mum or your workaholic dad, can it? How about spending half an hour quietly on your own imagining you're first one and then the other of them? How would you fancy living like they do? No wonder they're so often miserable! But is that a thought you'd be safe sharing with either of them?

And what of your dad's criticisms? Well, think what it must have been like for him as a boy. He must have been massively criticised by his folks, and only got recognition (and then probably not much) for achievements so he was never shown how to like himself, build warm, loving relationships and friendships, how to have fun. Many people (wrongly but firmly) believe that only criticism is how to motivate children. The sad thing is that such people nag and control and moan at their kids because they believe it's the best way of showing how much they love them. The rationale is that it will let their kids enjoy a happy, prosperous life so it's an expression of parental love.

That's about them. It may help you understand better what's happening for them - and give you a handle on things you could constructively do to make your home-life better. I can understand your seething with resentment (and most people would if they were in your shoes), but here are some tactics you could usefully use. Parents like appreciation. Rightly or wrongly, your parents have made huge sacrifices, believing it's in your best interests. How about showing them some appreciation? Making them a cup of tea now and then? Showing some interest in them and their doings? Voluntarily doing some extra chores, not just hiding away to do your homework but showing them that you're working? Talking a bit about what you've learned? With some parents it can be a good idea to ask if you can invite friends round so they can see you're mixing with "good" girls, thus earning a bit more trust. Outward compliance, while you're still at home and dependent on your parents, could help you a lot.

Now to your feelings. Self-harm can seem like a good way of dealing with difficult feelings, at least in the short term. However, it does nothing to solve the original problem and it creates more problems of its own. You might like to go to www.selfharm.net and www.siari.co.uk. These sites are run by and for people who've experienced the urge to self-harm. There you'll find understanding and support as well as tactics for more constructive use of feelings. If at any time you feel desperate you can always ring the Samaritans on 08457 909090 or email them via www.samaritans.org.uk. As you've been feeling so low it could also be worth talking to your doctor about what's been happening for you. Your school nurse is another possible source of help. Some schools also offer a student counselling service. You do have friends at school, so how about telling them just a little bit more about wehat's happening for you? Wouldn't they understand if you gave them a chance?

As for your career, once you get to university you'll have more choices and more social opportunities. Meantime you might contact the Asian Women's Centre on 0121 523 4910 or 0121 515 3947 about this and about your future.

The subject of arranged marriages is a thorny one. Partly it depends on where you live because in some sectors of society they're still the norm. If your parents find out you're seeing a boy, they may bring the arrangements forward and compel you into marriage. The Foreign and Commonwealth Office has a Forced Marriage Unit at www.fco.gov.uk/en/fco-in-action/nationals/forced-marriage-unit, and a helpline on 0207 008 0151.

You won't always be a "child" still living at home. You're growing up now and will become an independent adult, free to make your own decisions. Sometimes we just have to realise there's no point holding our breath trying to get appreciation from people who aren't able to give it. But we can (and should) value our own good qualities. I wish you safety, confidence and (eventually if not now) the right to decide how you want to live. Good luck