My hurtful sex-talk

Dear Anne

My problem is sex. When my wife and I have sex I like her to tell me about her mates' or her sister's bodies. It is a real turn-on for me but not for her. I have a problem. When I was 24 I had an operation that damaged my nerves so I couldn't get an erection. I therefore had implants put in but I reach orgasm so quickly I need a good time. Do you think I have a problem? If so, can you help? Thank you. Alan

Dear Alan

Yes, I think you and your wife have problems around sex. Haven't you ever thought how incredibly hurtful and insulting it is to ask your wife - the woman you supposedly love, respect and fancy - to have to talk about other women to turn you on? What a cruel put-down to your wife! You know how she feels but discount her feelings. Small wonder if she's not turned on during your love-making. Frankly I'm astonished she's still willing to have sex with you at all. When you add in that you reach orgasm very quickly, I wonder where the pleasure is for her? She must love you very much - but aren't you risking that love by your actions?

I acknowledge that you've had some nerve-damage but the implants are there to help you achieve an erection. Now let's talk about how you can stop damaging your relationship and both find ways of adding to your own and each other's pleasure. How about the two of you agreeing to set aside say one night a week for your romance? In that time you wouldn't watch TV or interact with other people. You'd just focus on each other, possibly starting with a take-away so neither of you has to cook. You'd catch up with each other's news and how you're each feeling, then spend a couple of hours doing something pleasant and relaxing together: a bath, a massage, some romantic overtures and perhaps the sensate focus technique so you can each learn how to give and take pleasure from each other. Once you and she have a better knowledge of this, you'll both be better placed to enjoy your love-life. You can find out more about sensate focus at http://health.discovery.com/centers/sex/sexpedia/sensate.html.

As for premature ejaculation, this can be addressed in various ways. One is by starting from the basic principle that you each deserve as much pleasure as the other. Therefore when you realise you're close to orgasm but your wife isn't, you deliberately think about something unsexy so you start to learn control. Or with your wife's agreement you could make love once quickly for you, and then once slowly for both of you. The other technique is to find and gently press on the hollow along the shaft just below the head of the glans while at the same time pressing gently on the point opposite.

I wish both of you a better relationship in and out of bed.