Have I put him off sex?

Dear Anne

I've been married for almost a year, been together for 4 years, and we are having problems sexually. He just doesn't have much of a sex drive. It always comes down to me initiating sex, which is usually only about once a fortnight now as I'm just so turned off by it. I used to be very highly sexed, and he used to be fairly interested (if a bit shy to begin with) but now all we do is argue after sex because I just feel so unsatisfied and frustrated by it all. I know he really loves me, but I wonder if our marriage will be able to survive such disappointment in the bedroom? I have given him adult material to look at, and wear sexy lingerie for him, but he does not react much and expects me to do all the work most of the time! I am pretty and slim, and I know he fancies me, he gets an erection, but just lacks technique, although he was fine before we married. What could be the problem, Anne? Many thanks. Becky

Dear Becky

I'm sorry you get so frustrated. It is a difficult situation, and one that can be sorted out with tact and patience. Let's look at some different approaches to find one that you and your husband can work on together.

The first one is as follows. Imagine your husband tells you, "You're rubbish at sex. You always leave me unsatisfied. Even when we have made love, you're not loving but critical and argumentative. We used to be OK at first and we both enjoyed it but now your hurtful remarks and superior attitude really put me off. You've made me scared to respond in case you start being nasty again, and as for your cheek in giving me porn (as though that has anything to do with lovemaking!), I can't believe you're so blameful." Would you find that helpful or would it make even the thought of sex too upsetting to want to try again?

So how about a different approach? How about realising that this isn't his problem, or your problem, but one that you share? How about if you reaffirmed that you love him and that you and he have shared some good times in bed, but that of late the pair of you haven't communicated well around this? You might apologise for any negative input you may have had, and ask him whether he's willing for the two of you to go to couples counselling to sort this out so you can both feel confident and fulfilled in the bedroom? You don't need a sex therapist, just a skilled counsellor who's happy to help the two of you support each other to a happy resolution. You could find one via Relate (www.relate.org.uk), who as well as helping with bond-building and communication skills can advise you and him on sensate focus. It takes the pressure off and helps you both feel more comfortable around making love.

I wish you and him a happy, fulfilled future.