Gambling husband

Dear Anne

I've been married for 13 years and have 3 wonderful children. We are originally from East Africa and moved to the UK 5 years back. It was hard moving and settling down with the children but I've adapted and adjusted to the way of life in the UK. We moved to the UK because of our family business and are here to stay For the last two years my husband has been gambling on line, i.e. betting on horses, and spends almost all his time over the weekends in front of the computer. I've tried talking to him on several occasions but he always denies everything. Basically I feel totally neglected. If he loses money he gets very depressed and wants to spend more time on the computer betting so that he can make it up. At the end of the day he is so tired that he falls asleep on the couch, drooling away. I feel very, very helpless and have tried talking to him, nagging and also locking his computer in the room and hiding the keys. I've tried almost everything but there is no stopping him. I am not working and feel that if I were to find a job to keep me sane it would be good for me but in my absence I feel that he would neglect the children since he would be so carried away with his gambling. Please advise. Many thanks. Y

Dear Y

A belated "Welcome to the UK!" It's very brave to move countries - but it can leave you without support. And support is what you need since your husband has developed an addiction to gambling. Like other addictions, it's very hard for those not in its grip to understand. You've discovered that whatever you do or say, your husband gambles. If he wins, he gambles. If he loses, he gambles. And the atmosphere in your home depends largely on how his bets are going.

Gamblers Anonymous have a helpline on 0207 384 3040 and a website at www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk - but the person has to want to recover from the addiction, and it doesn't sound as though your husband's willing to admit he has a problem, much less deal with it. You yourself could find support via www.gamanon.org.uk. Whatever else you do, I hope you'll sort out your finances and assets so your home is safe.

It's also time to start looking beyond the home for stimulation and support, don't you think? Besides, networking could lead to a good career opportunity, if not now, then in the future. Can you start building friendships with other parents at the playgroup, nursery or school gates? Getting involved with the Parent-Teacher Association, a church or charity? Have you tried finding a social or support group for people from your country? Or what about starting one up? In September the new adult education year begins and some centres have a creche, so what about finding a course for pleasure or to widen your job skills? What about asking at the JobCentre to see if there's work you could do, perhaps part-time, which could get you out and about, give you some independence and pay for childcare? The JobCentre can also advise on working family tax credits etc. and perhaps you'll be eligible for help with childcare costs.