Dear Anne
A few months ago I met a girl that I really like. She seemed to like me too and I asked her out. She told me it was not a good time as she was seeing someone casually, but she wanted to keep in touch. Now, after a lot of contact by text and email, and meeting up a few times, I have fallen in love with her, but I still don't know how she feels. We have had fun together, but she has sometimes behaved strangely so that I have not felt confident making any advances on her, so we still haven't kissed properly. I know she is fond of me, and perhaps she is just coy, old-fashioned or hesitant about getting into a relationship with me. But I'm worried she might just be toying with me, enjoying the attention but wanting nothing more. In the past I have spoiled one or two potential relationships by becoming too attached too quickly and needing to resolve my feelings too urgently. This time I am trying to take things slowly and let her make up her own mind, but I am just becoming more and more miserable the longer I don't know where I stand. Please help! L
Dear L
I'm sorry you're feeling confused. You could usefully polish up your ideas of love, don't you think? You say you love a girl who messes you around, goes out with another guy, won't kiss, won't communicate, won't commit. No doubt there's lots about her which is lovable, but the most basic thing needed for a good, stable, nourishing relationship is that both parties are acting positively to make it work. One-way love isn't really love. It's infatuation. Sorry to be so blunt, but one of the reasons people fall so heavily into infatuation is hoping that if you love the other person, they'll love you back. It doesn't work that way.
But you haven't been honest and open with her either, have you? You've refrained from even asking her if she's ready now to take this further, let alone how she feels about you, whether she's still with the other guy, what she wants out of this relationship and wants to take things further. Maybe you were scared to in case she split with you, but isn't it better to find out sooner rather than keeping yourself in this half-way heaven, half-way hell?
So what other reasons do you have for diving in at the deep end? It's usually one of two things: being scared that without this person you'll never find love, or not investing in other friendships and interests in the mistaken belief that only love offers fulfilment. Both of these beliefs stem from a lack of confidence. There are thousands of girls around looking for love. Others are looking for a laugh, casual sex or someone to boost their self-esteem. You won't know which is which unless you start being more open. And listen to what they say! After all, this one told you now isn't a good time for her but you chose to ignore that. Oh, and as for you being the one who spoiled past relationships, isn't that looking at it only from the other person's viewpoint? You matter too! If those girls had wanted to settle down with you, they'd probably have been quite happy to find that out soon and together you could have spent 6-12 months finding out if you were compatible.
