Past controls my decisions?

Dear Anne

Is coming from a broken home affecting my judgements? I feel like I'm stuck in limbo and just can't think straight at all. I've been in a relationship now for two years. When I first met my partner it was great. We went out all the time, weekends away, constant fun. I suppose this was the honeymoon period. But then one night out of the blue he turned really aggresive after drinking and shoved me. I threatened him the next day with leaving; he apologised over and over and I thought, "Well, everyone deserves a second chance." A year on, still with aggressive drunken behaviour from him, I fell pregnant. 6 months into my pregnancy he came home drunk, woke me up and started talking nonsense, just looking for a reaction. I ignored it, then when I thought he was sleeping I went into the spare room as he was snoring. He came flying into the room, tipped the ironing board over in my direction then pushed me back into our room. Again I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I thought, "Once the baby comes, he'll grow up." But it's no better. He came in last week, started a row over nothing. Again I was ignoring him until he threatened to take the baby out of his cot and home to his parents' house. He went into the baby's room and I followed, asking him nicely just to leave him alone. This made him worse so I told him I would phone the police if I had to if he tried to take him out of the house, so again I got pushed right back into our room. He then started banging the door which woke up the baby. In a drunken state he lifted our little one up. Eventually I talked him into giving him to me. He then threatened me with applying for custody and fell asleep. The next day he got up as if nothing had happened and laughed when I told him to stay away from me. As he said, "It's not as if I hit you." But surely there is no difference. I always thought I'd never let somone like that into my life and if it was someone else I'd be telling them to get out but for some reason I just can't bring myself to finish it. I have lost all feelings for him. I have no complaints about him when he's sober. He's a good provider and father but I just don't know why I'm so confused. He thinks I'm being ridiculous still being off with him. I don't think he realises what he's done, or doesn't want to. He says he won't drink any more but he's said that before more than once, and of course he's sorry and needs us, but then makes me feel guilty about thinking of breaking up a family. Er, I'm from a broken home. Could it be in the back of my head that I don't want my child to live between two houses like I did? Is that why I can't make up my mind? Julie

Dear Julie

Poor you! You don't deserve to be on the receiving end of aggressive behaviour. You're not responsible for his drinking or the scary things he does when he's drunk. Whatever happened in your past, it's what's happening now that you need to focus on. Yes, you picked a guy who seemed to be happy, caring, charming. But as you got to know him through living with him, you discovered that he'd been drinking more and more to the point where it knocks out his rational adult control so he behaves in frightening ways. That's what you've got. That's who he is right now. When he's sober, he's great - and rationalises away all the awful things he's done. But he's still done them. And the next time he's drunk, he'll start up again, won't he?

The trouble is, when someone behaves in this Jekyll and Hyde way, it's easy when they're sober to think that's the real person, to forgive and pretend it won't happen again. You can end up feeling fragmented trying to hold onto the nice things and blank out the bad. But when someone has a drink problem like this, you can't have the sunshine without the shadow. It's also worth noting that someone with a drink problem is almost always very good at manipulating their partner. You've already seen that he's quite willing to make threats such as taking your son away if you don't give in and put up with your partner's nasty moods. You've said he "makes" you feel guilty, but if anyone's breaking up the home, it's him, isn't it? After all, if he didn't get aggressive and irrational, you'd never have thought of leaving.

You can't control his drinking or his moods any more than you "make" him be unkind. His actions and his moods are his choice. And you've seen that making threats you don't carry out only stokes up the friction between you without changing anything, doesn't it? However, it's worth thinking about the message you're sending him by staying around: that it's OK for him to do this to you. And what of your son? Do you want him growing up in a turbulent atmosphere, thinking it's normal to drink to the point of aggression and OK to treat you the way this guy does?

What you do now is up to you. You could contact Al-Anon, the family support group for those who are in relationship with a person with a drink problem. Their website is at www.alanonuk@aol.com. You could ring up Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 to talk about what's been happening for you, or go to their website at www.womensaid.org.uk. They won't pressure you but will give you a safe space to make good decisions for yourself and your little one. You could talk to your GP about your feelings and your partner's behaviour so it's somewhere on record.

Your son isn't you. You had your experience of moving between parents, but you're not them either. Whatever else you do or don't do, I hope you'll seek help to rebuild your confidence. Sadly, not everyone is capable of offering good, stable love, which is what you deserve. Maybe he'll make changes - but if you don't, he has no need to because what he's been doing has worked for him. He's the one who's been behaving badly so you don't need to feel guilty or ashamed. It's OK for you to talk to someone else about all this. I hope you will. Good luck, Julie, and take care of yourself and your son.