Dear Anne
Everything is just getting to be too much. I'm at a point where my grades are not high enough for uni. I can't seem to get a job because I freak out in interviews. My mum is threatening to throw me out and I can't afford even a council place. There's this girl who's saying that people only get raped if they ask for it so I must be a slut and now my friends are starting to agree. I don't want to hurt people but I don't know how to deal with it all. I've tried talking to teachers and friends but I end up breaking down. What can I do? Scared and Confused
Dear Scared and Confused
I quite understand. I feel so sorry for you, both because you've experienced rape and because you have ignorant people telling you stupid things. Nobody deserves rape. Nobody invites it. People get raped because there are some horrible folks out there who are cruel and heartless. But there are nice people like yourself too. You did nothing to invite the awful thing that happened to you. You didn't deserve it and you don't deserve the verbal abuse this ill-informed girl is tryng to hand you. I'm sorry too that your mother is so unsupportive. But that lack of loving kindness speaks about her problems and is no reflection on you. She may even feel that she's being "cruel to be kind" and because she loves you (to the best of her ability) is in fact trying to encourage you to develop confidence and self-reliance, but in a completely cack-handed way.
It's hardly surprising that with all that's been going on you've found it difficult to concentrate on your studies and/or career. But you won't always feel so stuck and helpless. I hope you'll contact Rape Crisis, perhaps via their website at www.rapecrisis.org.uk or on their helpline on 0800 731 1162. You may find telephone counselling easier at first, but there's always the option to go to face-to-face counselling when you've started to recover a bit. Friends (especially so-called friends) and family, even teachers, don't have the skills to help someone work through the very complex and deep hurts experienced by those who've survived rape. Any shame or guilt you're feeling don't belong to you but to the abuser, and a counsellor can help you see that and internalise it. People can and do learn to update their views of themselves, other people and their place in the world after hideous experiences such as rape. They can go on to build happy, successful and fulfilling lives and to make great friendships and relationships. It's unlikely to happen overnight but it is possible. You deserve appropriate help and I hope you will have the courage to seek it from professionals who are able to offer it. Your tearfulness is giving you the information that you have a problem and need to do something about it as soon as possible, so why not call Rape Crisis today? It doesn't matter if the abuse happened a while ago. Some people suffer for years or even decades before they seek help, but the sooner the better. You needn't be afriad that a counsellor will push you inot anything you're not ready for. They won't be critical or judgmental. They will be supportive and understanding.
Now let's look at some facts. I'm not surprised you feel trapped and scared about the future. However, if your mum does decide to chuck you out, you can ask her to give you a dated letter "To whom it may concern". You can take this to the council housing department and say you'll be homeless in 14 days, and they'll find you somewhere. You can get housing benefit and other benefits too. You can also ring the 24/7 Shelterline on 0808 800 4444. They'll be able to offer you all kinds of useful information, including around benefits, as well as practical help. You won't end up on the streets.
You may also find it useful to talk things through with your doctor. If appropriate, short-term medication can help rebalance body-chemistry so you sleep better, feel stronger and more able to cope with things. You could also talk to your school or college nurse. It's also worth letting your head of sixth form know a bit about what's happened to you, in confidence of course. S/he may come up with all kinds of options, including perhaps dealing with the girl who's been bullying you and postponing your exams or your uni applications, and completing your course at some future date. Ask him or her about Clearing too since other universities often take students who haven't got quite the grades they want. Or you could perhaps further your studies later down the line. The Open University is there for just such events, or you could brush up your grades at evening classes and apply later.
You won't always feel this way. You will, in time, recover your equilibrium and update your perspective. You will find nurturing people and make a rewarding life for yourself. I wish you the courage to seek the support you need from people who are able to offer it. I wish you hope and help and self-esteem and then you won't need the sad name you've given in this email. Good luck. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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