Worried about Mum

Dear Anne

I am worried about my mother. We are extremely close and we lost my father a few years ago. I live with mum and my brothers. We get on well. My mum has smoked for a number of years and tends to drink alcohol (approx 3-4 + drinks) in the evenings. Mostly she will drink a spirit with a mixer if she is not working the next day. I think she does this to relax. I have tried to help by offering other ways of occupying her time but I feel awful that I am picking on her. She puts up with a lot from me and will take what I say in her stride, but I feel awful and would hate to upset her. I love her so so much and want her to be happy. She said she knows I'm right but doesn't seem to stop. I mean, what is safe? Am I overreacting? Thank you. Jane

Dear Jane

My sympathies on the loss of your father. I'm sure he meant a lot to you, and now your only parent is your mum, no doubt you're worried about her both for her own sake and from fear that you'll lose her too. Sadly, though, in the nature of things we all die, and older people tend to die before younger ones. This isn't always easy to accept but it's important that we do. A rabbi said recently that death is there to help us make the most of our time on earth. And part of that is making relationships as satisfying as you can.

So how can you deal with your anxieties? In two ways. One is by realising you're not responsible for your mother's actions and it's not your job to control her. You might tell her, just once (or once more!), how much you love and her how much she means to you, which is why you're worried she might be damaging her health by smoking and drinking alcohol. You could remind her that the recommended limit for women is no more than 14 units of alcohol (1 unit = 1 measure of spirits, 1 glass of wine or 1/2 pint of ordinary-strength beer) over a week. You could ask her how she feels about the amount she drinks and smokes. If she's happy with it, that's up to her. It's her life after all. Besides, to some extent it's a lottery. People who live perfectly health-conscious lives can catch diseases or have accidents. Some people who smoke live well into their nineties. And some don't. People use alcohol and cigarettes to help them cut off from painful feelings. But if she's not happy with her behaviours, how about asking her if there's anything you can do to help or encourage her? Does she want you to help her build healthier ways of relaxing and having fun? Does she need to talk more about the loss of her husband| If she says no, then you have to butt out. All you can do then is to demonstrate healthier ways of living and their rewards.