Wife rejects my advances

Dear Anne

How can I stop feeling rejected when my wife rejects my advances? Rob

Dear Rob

Feeling rejected isn't pleasant. But if your marriage is generally working well, then your wife's not wanting to make love is unlikely to be a rejection of you personally. She may be tired - in which case is there anything you can do to help? It may not be the best time if she has other obligations, so you could reassure her you love her and you understand, and make a date with her at a time that's mutually convenient. She may be feeling stressed, angry, harassed or unhappy. In that case, will you encourage her to share her feelings, acknowledge her right to feel what she feels, and when she's feeling heard, help her to find solutions? She may be ill or in pain, in which case what nurturing does she want and what are you willing to offer her? She may be scared that your urge to have sex is selfish, and if so, what are you willing to do that she would feel is an expression of love and caring? Do you make sure that she can relax and enjoy making love too? Do you only hug and kiss her for sex and not affection? If so, does that leave her feeling unloved and used? Would she welcome more kindness, romance and loving attentions? Is there some action you use or refrain from using that leaves her unhappy about your mutual love-making? Do you come to her clean and with fresh breath? Do yu and she simply have differing levels of libido? In which case compromise can help. Quite often we get out of the bedroom what we're willing to put into the rest of the relationship, so if there's friction or unresolved tension between you, how about inviting her to work with you in building better communication and problem-solving, perhaps just the two of you together, or working together through relationship skills books or in couples counselling?

Most times in a loving couple, one person's reluctance to make love is emotional, and it's about the love in the relationship, as we've seen above. But there could be deeper reasons that have nothing to do with you but with some traumatic or unhappy event in the past. Fear of sex can be rooted in past abuse, rather than springing from any negative feelings about self or partner. Then too, low self-esteem can mean the person is scared to make love because they fear the exposure of self opens them up to criticism or hurt. If so, can you encourage your wife to talk about what happened to her, leting her know that you accept her as she is and don't blame her for the actions of other people? What other ways can you help her build her self-esteem?