Dear Anne
I am in second year at high school, and I have been having some problems with some people. One day they were my friends, then the next they just turned against me! This will sound pathetic, but they keep calling me "gay" and "gayboy" and I am not gay, I am heterosexual. At first I thought it was a joke, but then I realised it was more than a joke. I've told them to shut up and stop, but they won't. I try and ignore them but that has no effect. It was annoying the first few times but now it's getting to me. On days when they were really nasty to me I would come home and consider self-harming. They began to turn some people against me and now I hang around with two girls and one boy who also get bullied. Please help me. Cameron
Dear Anne
At school at the moment in every class I have, someone is constantly bitching about me. It's really hurting my feelings and taking my confidence away, and it's made me think suicidal thoughts. Now the people who made this up or found it out are spreading it really fast! It's too much for me to handle. At the moment even my friends can't cheer me up because some of them are trying to avoid me. It's made me cry so much I have tried to hold my breath for as long as I can, tried to shut myself out from the world and I have even cut my arms and legs a lot (not too deep). It's just really bringing me down and I don't know what to do Tor
Dear Cameron and Tor
Please don't be upset that I've put your two problems together. It's not intended to devalue the feelings either of you has been experiencing. In fact I wanted you to see that many, many others are going through the same kind of thing. So what can you both do about it?
I hope you'll both go to www.bullying.co.uk and www.dfes.gov.uk/bullying. I hope you'll both start keeping a diary of abuse in brief note-form under the headings: date, time, place, people present, what I was doing before it started, what happened, how I responded, any other consequences. Consequences include things like feeling low, loss of self-esteem, the urge to self-harm, tearfulness and sleeplessness as well as any physical damage to you or your property. You see, the odd nasty comment is pretty much expected, but put several little things together and people start to notice that it's bullying. Each time there's a new incident, go and tell the nearest member of staff. Note it in the diary, ask your parents to photocopy it, and they or you can show the photocopy to your Head of Year. Sadly some parents aren't very good at handling their children being bullied and say things like "Just ignore it and they'll stop." Instead, when your parents have seen your bullying diary, ask them to ring the school for a copy of their policy on bullying. Ask them to make an appointment with your Head of Year, and ask them to be polite and invite a co-operative response rather than charging in full of blame. They can ask how they and the school can best work together to keep you safe. You deserve protection, and that's part of the job of both parents and teachers.
What of things you can do to build up your confidence? Body language is important. Walk and sit straight, head level. Make eye-contact (around 2 seconds) with nice people you pass or sit near. Greet nice people cheerfully. Be helpful and reasonably friendly. You might both like to go to www.shykids.com as this site has techniques for confidence-building and improving your social skills. Join supervised out-of-school activities such as a sports or interest group, Scouting or a martial art. All of these are good for confidence. They give you a safe space to meet new people and practise the arts of friendship. They also help you put any nastiness at school into perspective.
You don't have to believe anything these nasty people say. Nice people will realise you're not those things people have called you. Instead, remember that nice people are nice to you. They don't have to be. They could give their niceness to someone else, but they choose to be nice to you because (like it sas in the ads) you're worth it. Remember all the times you've had fun with others, and think how many people have ever liked and loved you.
And what of the urge to self-harm? It can be powerful - but it doesn't solve the problem and causes new ones too, such as embarrassment, shame and pain. Why not go to www.selfharm.net and www.siari.co.uk? You'll find support there from others who've also known that urge, and you'll find better ways of managing your feelings. Because self-harm is bullying yourself, isn't it? Withdrawing from the world makes things worse, not better. Instead you can learn to think about your feelings as giving you information which you can think about to find self-supportive ways of solving your problems. You both matter, and learning to solve your problems will help you make the good friendships and rewarding lives you want..
I wish you, Tor, and you, Cameron, safety and confidence. Good luck.
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