70, in lonely marriage

Dear Anne

I have been married to my second husband since 1977 and I am very unhappy as he does not take me anywhere at all. He said that he cannot afford it because he smokes 30 cigarettes a day. I am 70 years old and life has just passed me by. From Lonely Heart

Dear Lonely Heart

I sympathise. When we get married, we hope our spouse will share our interests, go around with us, talk with us, share our hopes and dreams, make us feel special. Sadly, as you've discovered, it often doesn't work out that way. You don't have the power to change your husband, not because you're powerless (you're not!) but just because he's responsible for his life. And you're responsible for yours.

I appreciate that it's not easy changing the habits of a lifetime. But if you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll keep getting what you've got. Instead of spending your energy trying to "fix" him, why not use that energy for something that truly is in your power: making your life more fulfilling?

Sure, you might ask him if he'd like to go for a walk with you, perhaps round the park, round a town or out in the country. That costs hardly anything. But if he doesn't want to go with you, fine. No reason you should sit at home just because he does. It's OK to go on your own to a museum or art gallery, and you can practise making conversation with others who are looking at the same painting or object. If you have friends, why not fix up a trip to the cinema or somewhere else with them? How about asking local charity shops if they'd like a hand now and then? You'd be helping others and you'd have the opportunity to make new friends. You could go to a local religious centre. Whether a church, temple, synagogue or mosque, you'd have social opportunities and the chance to become a valued member of a community. Talk to the religious leader and I'm sure she or he will introduce you around or arrange for someone to visit you. There may be an organisation like Fircones (Friends In Retirement) near you. Your local library should have details, either on their community board or in a folder behind the counter. Many working men's clubs have a members only policy, but ladies (including ones your age) can wait at the door for a few minutes and ask someone to sign them in. Then you could go up to the friendliest looking bunch and say, "Hi, I'm new here and I don't know anybody. May I sit with you?" Your entry will presumably be free and all you'd need is the price of a single drink, though if you have a fiver you could buy someone else one back. (Honestly, ladies your age often get drinks bought for them!) I can't imagine that you wouldn't be welcome.

And what of your time at home? What can you do to keep yourself entertained? You might trawl round the internet to find a chat room you like, or some community based round one of your interests. You might enjoy handicrafts, music, TV, gardening (and there are lots of gardening clubs) or reading. You might find yourself a penfriend or two. You might ring Age Concern or Help the Aged (www.ageconcern.org.uk, www.helptheaged.org.uk) to find out about befriending schemes. You could ring your local council to find out if there's a day centre you could go to. They can be great fun! Other ladies your age have made these changes and enjoyed the results.

I do understand how lonely and unhappy you've been feeling. I'm sorry you've been feeling like life has passed you by. But for your own sake I ask you to start thinking of it differently. Your life has been happening somewhere else while you've been hoping your husband would take care of it for you. Are you now ready to start making your time more rewarding? I hope so! I wish you companionship and fun. Good luck.