Depressed emo

Dear Anne

I have lately found myself in a deep state of depression, which nothing can shift, so I turned to the 'dark side' as some people call it, and later became 'emo'. I began to slit my wrists and try to commit suicide many times. ... until I met this boy at a club I go to every week. After a while, I fell madly in love with him. But the trouble is, he hardly knows I exist. He only talks to me if it's absolutely necessary. But I still love him. I think about him night and day. He finally makes me feels good about myself, even though he doesn't like me very much. I don't want to slit my wrists any more because of him. Now, after about 5 weeks of him not noticing me, his magic has begun to wear off. What do I do? Unloved4good

Dear Unloved4good

I'm sorry you've been feeling so low. While it's great that you continue to go to interest groups and social activities, which shows great courage when you're depressed, it seems you could usefully update your views of yourself, other people and your place in the world.

Let's start with how you sign yourself - or should I say, how you've chosen to sign yourself? You can't see the future, you don't seem to realise that you have many good qualities and all kinds of choices, and yet you've apparently decided you'll never find good love. These are thought distortions. They may have been with you for as long as you can remember - in which case they're childhood thoughts made with childish thinking. Maybe you formed them in response to some trauma or bullying. Or you may have adopted them as a kind of romantic, Byronic pose to fit in with your chosen emo identity. But just ask yourself one question: are these distorted thoughts doing you any good?

As you've been depressed and have self-harmed, I hope you'll go and talk to someone about it, the school or college nurse and your GP for starters. The quickest and most effective way out of depression is with a combination of appropriate short-term medication and some counselling. In counselling you can learn to update those damaging perspectives and build both confidence and positive thinking. The two are intertwined.

Does this guy you fancy have "magic" powers to "make" you feel good about yourself? No. He's an ordinary human being. What happens is that as you think about him, build wonderful fantasies about how great it would be "if only"..., you visualise yourself as relaxed, happy, accepted and valued. Because you feel good in those fantasies, you keep going over and over them, not least to hide away briefly from your self-criticism and hopeless feelings. I doubt there's a teen alive who hasn't done the same thing. But this falling for people who are actually not available to you is only a kind of rehearsal so you can practise your new emotions. Once you start actually dating with people who are available to you, you'll almost certainly fantasise less. You'll realise that you live in the real world with real people, some of whom are supportive and accepting and some of whom are not. And that as the one who's responsible for your life, you have choices.