Is she good enough for me?

I'm 18 and Asian. I'm finishing my last year of high school and I've been seeing a girl for over a year. I love her to bits. The one thing my parents have a problem with is the fact that she's English. I can't help feeling defeated and having to leave her by my parents' demand. My dad is a doctor whilst my mum used to be a lawyer but is now a housewife. My gf doesn't come from a background as wealthy as mine and you could say she's slightly poor. I have an offer to go to a medical school in London. My gf and I will therefore be apart geographically and I don't know how well we're gonna cope. Also she is so much smarter than me, handles stress well, hard working - everything a doctor should be, and she got straight A's for her As levels. She wants to do midwifery (which only requires two C's to get into the uni) and I know she can do better than that but I can't seem to persuade her that midwifery is a much more physical career and she would be better off becoming a doctor because she's such an authority figure. The fact she doesn't want to be a doctor is another thing bothering my parents. They say if we stay together we'd be clashing because of a difference in class. My parents have been telling me so much that I shouldn't stay with her forever; I should listen to them and leave her and meet a girl of my own ethnicity and same career. It doesn't help that my girlfriend has had a heart problem. It's getting very stressful for her and I've always been by her side. I can't imagine turning my back on her because she is the one person that has helped me work hard at school and contributed in helping me get an offer from my medical school. My parents are being very understanding but they're urging me to leave her. It's so hard because if I stay with her they may be right about how I'll be socialising with doctors whilst she'll socialise with other midwives who may have builders for husbands. If I don't stay with her I could end up making the biggest mistake of my life. I'm sorry to offend anyone but it would be difficult to socialise because I doubt my future colleagues would want to talk to an electrician. I don't know at all what to do and it's tearing me up inside because I love to spend every minute with her. We've never argued and it's been over a year. I have no one to speak to because all my friends are English and they could be offended and I don't have anybody else that could understand. My parents would clearly have a biased opinion so I've counted them out too. Please help me because it's hurting so much feeling I might lose her! I'm desperate for your help. J

Dear J

I'm sorry you feel so upset about all this. Let's look at your points one by one to see what you might decide to do.

You say the one thing your parents have a problem with is your gf being English. That's not actually true, is it? They also worry about her social standing, income and cultural differences, and rightly point out that her and your aspirations aren't the same.

Now let's look at your relationship. Your gf is perfectly happy with her vocation to be a midwife. But you try to pressure her into dedicating her life to what you want her to do because it'll make things easier for you. Where is your consideration for her feelings in all this? You may be right that some doctors are too snobbish to treat electricians and builders as social equals. From what you say, I can't help but worry you may share that snobbery - in which case I wonder where your respect for your future patients is? I may be doing you an injustice, and if so, I'm sorry. Are you only going to treat diseases of the rich, or patients who can prove their IQ matches yours? Are you going to look down on nurses, who are the vital members of the team who have most contact with those ill and in pain on hospital wards? Is that what being a doctor is all about? These are hard questions, and ones it could perhaps be worth your time to address, don't you think?

So might you and this girl split up? I'd think it's pretty much on the cards. Most teen romances end. So do most relationships where the parties go to separate universities. In fact most romances end, and only the last one lasts because it has everything needed for long-term rewards. When you add in your control issues, your differing wants and attitudes, do you really think staying together will help either of you in the long run? With good love, shouldn't you accept each other as you are without trying to change them? Shouldn't you be the wind beneath each other's wings? Do you really think that's what you and your gf are to each other? Wouldn't it be better just to stay friends and let yourselves be free to find partners who suit you better?

I'm sure you're a smashing bloke, and that you have recognised her many good qualities. But since relationships are about two people, not just one, isn't she the person with whom you should be discussing your anxieties, so you can jointly make a decision that's good for each of you?

J, I wish you and your gf every happiness, success in your caring vocations and good, mutually-supportive love which lasts. I'm really not certain, though, that you and she can work all these problems out and stay together happily. Good luck.