Dad, Stepdad and the Pill

Dear Anne

My 14 year old daughter wants to go on the Pill. Her father from whom I am separated thinks this is a good idea. I don't. I feel she is too young and don't approve of his agreement with her before he discussed it with me. He also gives her cigarettes which I totally disagree with too. My husband knows nothing of this as he would kick her out and probably me for letting this happen. I'm desperate. Please help. Ruth

Dear Ruth

I'm sorry you're caught up in the middle of this. One positive, though, is that your daughter feels able to discuss this both with you and her dad. In the end it has to be her decision, not least because she could go on the Pill without your knowledge and her dad's.

However, you might point out to her that anyone with whom she has sex before she's 16 is technically committing a criminal ofence for which he might even be jailed. Besides, it could help sway her if you told her, absolutely truthfully, that girls who become sexually active before they're sixteen, and those who have quite a few partners, run a higher risk of developing cervical cancer. You might also tell her the repercussions for you as well as her if her stepdad found out.

On the subject of smoking, it has to be said that nicotine is an addiction. People can and do quit, but it is a highly addictive drug. It also smells. You don't and can't have control over what she does at her dad's place but you can say that she can't smoke at your place, not even if the garden, and she mustn't bring smoking materials into the house because that would cause both her and you grief. Nor will you give her money for smoking. If she'd rather spend her money on that than on fashion, music and so forth, that's her problem. Also the average smoker will spend around �60,000 on smoking materials over the course of a lifetime. Wouldn't she rather have holidays and other luxuries?

On both these topics you could encourage her to contact the young persons' advice line on 080 800 13 2 19, or via www.connexions-direct.com. Nobody there will criticise or nag her but they will give her an opportunity to discuss such subjects.

I wish you and your family all the best. Good luck.