Pregnant by married lover

Dear Anne

I'm pregnant by a married man I've been seeing for a year. I've told him I'm keeping the child as I couldn't forgive myself if I had an abortion. We tried to talk but it resulted in us arguing. Now we aren't talking. I don't know what to do. Sue

Dear Sue

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. You and your lover knew the possible risks in emotional and practical terms, but it's you who's left literally holding the baby. Here are some ideas of how to go forward.

Why not contact the British Pregnancy Advisory Service via www.bpas.org? They'll give you an opportunity to talk things through with someone supportive who won't push you into anything, but they could give you some idea of your other options (adoption or being a single parent) and what practical steps you might take in either eventuality. Should you decide to keep the child, you'd be eligible for various benefits and that's something else they could help with. The CAB (www.citizensadvice.org.uk) could be most helpful on benefits and so on. Your lover would also have responsibilities, legally and morally, towards the child. If he's not willing to pay child maintenance, you have the option of pursuing this through the Child Support Agency, though you may have to get a DNA test done on the child and on him to prove he's the father. This would almost certainly mean his wife finding out, and repercussions for him and his family which could well rebound on you and the child too. And that's not even mentioning contact betwen father and child.

Then you'd need to consider whether or not you want to continue your secret liaison even if he did decide to talk with you. After all, it doesn't sound like you and he have the greatest tactics for solving problems, or that many shared values, but maybe you can get in touch with a simple request to meet and talk at a time that's convenient to you both. What you'll both decide is up to the two of you.

But people can and do raise children alone. Organisations such as that at www.gingerbread.org.uk can be a big help. Family and friends, even if initially shocked, often come to be supportive and enjoy having a new little person to love them. Romances can blossom so loving stepparents/partners appear too.

I wish you all the best with this.