Those 3 little words

I have been with my boyfriend for over four and a half years and we are very happy together. But my boyfriend refuses to say the big "I Love You". I've dropped hints, and he has started buying birthday and Christmas cards etc. with "I Love You" written on somewhere, and twice lately he has actually said "I love you "really quickly and quietly, then laughed and refused to repeat it when I asked. He knows that I want him to tell me and it's hurting me really badly that he won't. I haven't told him that I love him as I refuse to say it until he does but he's not really a romantic person and doesn't show his feelings so it doesn't bother him anyway. And he says actions speak louder than words, which is a real cop-out as that means I don't get the words or the actions. We've just been away for the weekend and stayed by a lake in Italy, which is the first place that he ever took me, and is our special place. Although it was my idea to go he was really up for it and I really thought he was waiting until we were there before he told me, but he didn't. Most girls would be expecting a proposal by now, especially in a relationship that is going so well, and especially when you are staying in your special place. But all I want is to hear those three words! The thing is I really love this man. I truly think I've met my soul mate, but I am seriously thinking of walking away from it as I am really hurting. I so badly want to tell him how much I love him, but often have to stop myself because I refuse to tell someone I love them if they can't tell me back. I was hurt badly in a previous relationship and it took all the love out of me, so I wasn't bothered about hearing or saying those words to someone else for quite a while. But I'm ready to be loved again and to love again. But if he's not going to tell me in our special place then I feel he never will? He quite happily tells his god-children and my nephew and niece he loves them and he occasionally tells his twin brother too. So why won't he tell me? Do you think there is something wrong with the relationship and I should walk away, or do you think I am being pathetic? Kerry, aged 33

Dear Kerry

No, I don't think you're being pathetic, though I think simply walking away would be. The words pot and kettle come to mind. There's this guy who's close enough for you to call a soul-mate and to love. And there's you stubbornly refusing to tell him you love him though he's been brave enough to say it twice. OK, he didn't make a fanfare of it, but he did tell you. And you haven't told him even once.

So what's with all this passive-aggressive sulking on your part? Life isn't like Mills & Boon novels. You've been with this guy long enough to know he loves you and you love him even if you don't get the movie-style bells and violins. Telling children and family "I love you" isn't as scary because they more or less take it for granted so it doesn't open him up to possible rejection. The kind of apparent rejection you don't like when it's done to you, but are perfectly happy to inflict on him.