Must I cope alone?

Dear Anne

I'm feeling really down, like I think I'm fat, ugly, failing. I was just wondering what advice can you give, if any, or should I deal with my own problems? Craig

Dear Craig

I'm so sorry you're going through this phase of having a big downer on yourself. It's a horrible cycle of self-critical thoughts which leave you feeling stuck and hopeless, and it limits your choices, so you don't know how to move forward. Let's start by looking at that last part of your letter: whether you're allowed to ask for help. Yes, you are. Everyone is. Knowing that is a great place to start. If, for example, your car breaks down, it makes sense to ask a mechanic for help. Likewise if your thoughts and feelings are troublesome, it's the intelligent thing to do to seek help from someone with appropriate training.

You do have choices. You know how not asking for help has left you feeling - so well done for writing in! You could go to www.confidenceclub.net and www.coping.org. At both of these sites you'll find ways of updating your old, undermining views of yourself. You could trawl online or high-street booksellers for confidence-building materials. Two I like are The Confidence To Be Yourself by Brian Roet and The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr David Burns (very good for untwisting your thinking!), but there are plenty of others. You could have a few sessions of counselling, perhaps with a practitioner with a background in TA (Transactional Analysis) or NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming). You could realise that how you feel now doesn't have to be how you'll always feel. You can make changes. You can learn new skills. You won't reach your goals instantly, but I do hope you'll value each little step along the way, starting with this one.

If you go to your doctor and express your concerns about your weight and your looks, you'll get an objective view and probably some practical help too, because what you're describing could perhaps be depression, but that of course would need professional diagnosis after a face-to-face consultation. And if it turns out not to be, you'll have added peace of mind.

A word about success. That's different for everyone. We can't all be film-stars and tycoons. And those who are can still have problems with confidence. While I understand anybody feeling tempted at times to label themselves a failure, it's not the greatest idea in the world to sum up a person and their while life in one word. Sure, there are some things you can't do, and some you wish you could do better. Who couldn't say that about themselves? You have some skills and good qualities. You're internet-literate and articulate. You've had the wit to recognise you've been having a problem, and to start finding solutions. Liking yourself is a vital step to any form of success, and it's one most of us have to learn. You can learn to like yourself too, because you matter as much as anybody else on the planet. And as you learn it, you'll gradually realise you can start inviting more pleasure and more fulfilment into your life. I wish you confidence and peace of mind.