Dear Anne
I am a 41 year old who had a fling with a 50 year old married man. He fell for me but then he suddenly finished with me with no reason. Now after 8 months he's started to text me again. He says he cares about me but I am confused. I love him and want him but I'm not sure whether I should trust him. Elizabeth
Dear Elizabeth
No doubt he can be charming, and he's probably very good at behaving in ways that get him what he wants. Yet in the light of what you'e suffered at his hands, do you really think he's offering you good, stable love? Or even that he's capable of it? Was this, with all its ups and downs, really the kind of love you dreamed of when you were younger?
You might also ask yourself how his poor wife would feel if she knew you had designs on her husband. You know the names people would attach to you if they knew: home-wrecker, adulteress and the rest. Is that who you want to be?
So what will you do? Will you put yourself at risk of emotional hurt and abandonment again? Or will you start taking self-supportive action? If your self-esteem is low (and why else would you have become someone's "bit on the side"?), wouldn't it make sense to have a few sessions of counselling or work through some confidence-building and relationship skills materials? How about The Positive Woman by Gael Lindenfield, Women Who Love Too Much (and the men who love them) by Robin Norwood, Are You The One For Me? by Barbara de Angelis and maybe my own Make Love Work For You (Anne Nicholls)? All of them will give you a new and more positive view of your own worth so you make better choices for yourself in future. You deserve good love, and I hope you'll find it with someone who's both available and able to give it. Good luck.
