Dear Anne
A couple of years ago my mum was so frustrated with me because I had no idea what to do with myself. She advised me to check out a website with agony aunts ... so here I am, still not knowing what to do with myself. Life in general is great. I'm quite - trying to be - independent from my family, I have a steady job and a few very close friends. But I'm hopeless at keeping myself happy in a job. I've never quite figured out what I really want and at the moment my life is standing still. I irritate my family because they're trying hard to help. You see, I'm the sort of person who crumbles whenever it comes to hurdles. I have very low self-esteem. Also I believe that the grass is greener on the other side. What do you suggest I do to find out what I want? Anonymous
Dear Anonymous
Well done for writing in! It shows good problem-solving, which is a very useful quality. Let's start with some facts. Does everyone have one ideal job which will give them fulfilment? Nope. These days few people stick in one job or even one career throughout their adult lives. Loads of people are bored in their jobs and spend their days just watching the clock. Whatever you're currently doing, it's probably a good idea to keep doing it for a bit until you have worked out where you want to go and how to get there.
The first thing is to start improving your confidence. That will open so many doors for you! Besides, when you're confident you feel good about yourself and have more optimism, energy and enthusiasm. There are all kinds of ways of doing this and any of them will feed into the others so it doesn't matter which one(s) you apply first.
Make a date with yourself each day, even if it's only 15 minutes or so, because you're worth it. In that time you'll do some self-help. For example: Take a sheet of paper and begin to make a list of your good qualities and skills. You have friends so you're friendly. You have initiative because you wrote in. You have work-related skills. You have certain interests and skills to go with them. Reading is a skill! So is using the net. Ask your friends (and perhaps your family) what they like about you and add that to your list. Get used to the idea of your being good at things!
Make a separate list of all the people who've ever loved, liked or been good to you. "Mum loves me, Dad loves me, Aunty Ada loves me, A likes me, B likes me, Miss Smith in Year 1 was nice to me" and so on. Always use that repetitive phrasing, not dittos, because it will help you reprogramme your subconscious with your lovability and likability.
Work through some confidence-building materials such as Paul McKenna's DVD and books like Gael Lindenfield's The Positive Woman. Books on positive thinking such as David Burns' The Feeling Good Handbook will help too. Shakti Gawain's Creative Visualisation is another source of help and inspiration.
Every day, find two minutes to stand in front of a mirror and keep saying to your reflection, "I (name) love and value myself." If you do that every day for at least a fortnight you'll start noticing a difference. And the more you do it, the more you'll find both reasons for loving and valuing yourself, and ways to do it. We all need to!
You might like, either at this point or later, to find yourself a therapist, perhaps with a background in TA (Transactional Analysis) and/or NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming). That's both for confidence-building and for working out who you are and what you want. They'll be in Yellow Pages under Counselling & Advice. You're allowed to ring round and talk to different ones to find someone you're comfortable working with. Many are also willing to negotiate about fees.
Now a word about other people. Mums, for example. They want us to be well and happy because they love us - but their criticisms can leave us feeling undermined and inadequate. But guess what? Now you're an adult your life is nobody else's but yours. You are the one who chooses what to invite into it I hope you'll increasingly invite fun, pleasure, self-belief, friendship and creativity. The more you like yourself, the more you'll relish challenges and the more armour you'll have against even the most well-intentioned criticisms!
After a time you've set yourself for all this, say three or four months, you'll be much better placed to start considering careers. At this point you might like to work through NLP: The New Technology of Achievement by Andreas and Faulkner, which has great ways of working out what your mission in life is, at least for this phase. If you haven't already seen a therapist, now could be the time.
It could also be useful to go to an employment agency, or the Job Centre, to talk about your career needs and desires. You may want to do some further training, perhaps in the evenings, or you might like to go for temp-to-perm work so you get to try out different jobs and locations to see which ones appeal.
And don't forget the good old day-dream. In peace and quiet on your own, close your eyes and think about what you like. What makes you happy. What you find rewarding. Indoors or out? With others or alone? Socially valuable? Creative? Hands on or more cerebral? In the UK or abroad?
You're not set in stone. Like the rest of us, you're a work in progress. I wish you confidence and fulfilment. Good luck.
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