Dear Anne
I'm 15 and my mum is 45. She is a 24/7 carer for my dad (43) who has MS. He's in a wheelchair and can't really use his hands (they are too shaky) or legs, so needs help with everything. I try to help as much as possible, but need my free time. My mum has no free time, and is getting stressed out more than ever. She keeps having breakdowns and just can't cope any more. My dad has turned to alcohol and my mum just shouts and cries all the time. She has to stop caring. She has been caring for him for over 10 years and can't do it any more, and my dad can't go into a care home. He would hate it. He would see it as his family not wanting him any more and throwing him away like a useless toy. I don't know what to do. We have inadequate benefits and I'm getting stressed and worried and my GCSE coursework is piling up. My mum says she wants a divorce sometimes, but always regrets saying such a horrible thing the next day. Their relationship is not doing great. They argue all the time and dad just drinks to forget his frustration. I know they still love each other but the situation is just too much for them. There is no-one to help out. All our family have kids and problems of their own. Carers come in the morning to help him out of bed but no-one else is there to help. Please help me. Our lives are turning to shambles. We can't live like this any more. Don't suggest care homes. He is too young for that. My mum is getting too weak to care for him any longer. She doesn't even have her own life any more. Anonymous
Dear Anonymous
Oh, I do feel for you, and for your mum and dad. Each of you feels trapped in a horrible situation that is of no-one's making, and each of you is affected by exhaustion and stress in your own ways. Here are some thoughts that I hope will help.
I hope your mum will go to see the doctor on her own behalf because she is so stressed and worn out. She could also ask him about your father's use of alcohol. She could usefully get in touch with the clinic monitoring your father's condition. She could ask to speak to the medical social worker there too. Although he may not like it, it would be a good idea for him to go into a respite centre for a week or so to give your mum and you a chance to rest and recover every now and then. The doctor may be able to help persuade your dad that it's in his own best interests as if your mum cracks up she won't be able to look after him at home any more.
You could encourage her to go to www.direct.gov.uk/en/CaringForSomeone/DG_071391 and to the site of the Princess Royal Trust for Carers at www.carers.org. The sites at www.msworld.org and www.medsupport.org are specifically about MS and may be of interest and perhaps help too.
Even if your family is not religious, it could be well worth your mum talking to a local religious leader, a vicar, priest, rabbi or imam, as it's often be possible for one or more of their parishioners to come sometimes to help out and keep your dad company so your mum and you can have a bit of a break for an hour or two.
Now let's talk about you. It's great that you do all you can to help out. It's a real tribute to you. However, you also have your own needs. While I understand that helping takes a lot of your time, I wonder - forgive me for asking - how much of your limited free time you spend in worrying and being upset. It can happen that we get so down we feel unwilling to tackle activities we know we should, then they build up and we feel overfaced by them and even less willing to make a start. It can help to divide up your work into small, manageable pieces. For example, with French you could list the 16 or so topics (e.g. food, weather, directions, holidays, leisure etc.) with sub-headings, and then spend a bit of time working around each one separately. Ticking things off can be a comfort! With the coursework, doing even a bit of it will get you a better mark than doing none of it. Look at your achievements rather than thinking you have to do all of it at once and beating yourself up. Besides, if worse comes to worst, you can always do retakes or return to studying at some point in the future. As you're such a sensible young lady you might speak to your head of year yourself, or ask your mum to speak to him or her, because teachers will cut you some slack under the circumstances. Believe me, there are almost certainly others at school suffering from some domestic disturbance so don't feel you're the only one. I hope you'll let one or two of your most trusted friends know a bit about what's going on for you because you have nothing to be ashamed of. If you pick nice people, they'll keep your confidences.
I wish you and your family all the best, and good luck with your education too.
Font size
Mail
My account
Help
Community
Print now
Send to a friend
Related articles
Related products
