I want more

Dear Anne

I have recently met a man through the personal ads in the local paper. He told me that he'd been widowed a few months previously. I thought it was rather soon to be dating. He's said he has to get on with his life and is very positive etc. I found out last week on our sixth date that his wife died at the end of December, so we actually met only six weeks after she died. He is very nice and genuine. We've just been out for drinks and a couple of walks. I've been single for four years. I have three children, he has two. He's told me he likes me and looks forward to seeing me. We're not going to see each other for a couple of weeks now due to holidays. My thoughts are to just go with the flow for now but if we are still seeing each other by say mid-May I think we need to have a chat and see where we see this going. We have a kiss (more of a long peck) at the end of each date which is fine but it's not going to be long before I start to want a bit more. I sometimes feel as if we are both treading on egg shells a little. A little advice would be great. Thank you. Sarah

Dear Sarah

I understand how confused you are in this tentative relationship. No doubt you'd hoped that it would run along the usual lines and at the usual pace - but he really hasn't had time to complete his relationship with his late wife, has he? Do you honestly think he's behaving as though he wants to move this relationship on yet? What you see is what you get: a guy who likes you and enjoys your company but isn't yet ready to go for more. Maybe he will be in time. Maybe he won't. Neither of you know. But isn't it worth talking this through the next time you see him? Asking him what he wants from the relationship and seeing if it matches what you want, and in similar time-frames? You're entitled to want what you want, and he has the same right. If bringing up the subject sends him heading for the hills, then you know he's not up for anything more. Then you might decide just to stay friends while dating other people, simply so you've each got someone to go with on outings.

Because unless you start talking to each other rather more honestly, you'll both keep walking on eggshells, which isn't good for anybody.

By the way, when you go on dates with relative strangers, don't assume they wall ant the full-on route to marriage and kids. Or even that they're only going out with you. Don't assume you're an exclusive couple until you've both agreed on that. It's always worth asking by around the third date (if not before) what they're looking for from relationships, plural. And seeing if their actions match up to their words.

But well done for having the courage to take this step into the wider world of dating! Good luck.