After husband's affair

Dear Anne

My husband had an affair with another woman. He's excusing it by saying he was helping her because her husband beats her! But many text messages were being sent between them from when I first had my suspicions. He now claims he regretted it and it was a "one-off thing". Well I know that he was planning to meet up with her again as I had snooped into his message box on his phone. He declared his love for this woman, said that she had a lovely body and was beautiful in bed! I've been feeling down about myself lately and have put on weight so I'm now feeling quite distraught. He doesn't want to tell anyone because he's afraid he'll lose face, but people who know me know somthing is up and I can't keep living in this awful atmosphere! R

Dear R

I'm sorry you have to go through such pain, especially at a time when you were already feeling low. After an affair, even one the person genuinely regrets, the atmosphere can be difficult because there are so many emotions swirling about, some spoken and some kept silent. Guilt, anger, hurt, mistrust and self-doubt are a pretty unpleasant cocktail. What will happen now I don't know, but here are some thoughts for you to consider.

First of all, let's talk about you. You say you've not been feeling good about yourself. It could be worth talking things through with your doctor. If appropriate, short-term medication could help you sleep better and feel more positive. Your doctor may be able to refer you to either stress management or counselling. This can help enormously as you'll have a safe space to get it off your chest, plus the support needed to work through all those difficult emotions and rebuild your confidence. Then you'll be better placed to make self-supportive decisions. The doctor can also give you an unbiased opinion on whether you're at a healthy weight. If you're not, then you might consider one of the support organisations such as those at www.slimming-world.com, www.rosemary-conley.co.uk or www.weightwatchers.co.uk.

It's also worth asking your husband whether he's willing to make a total commitment to rebuilding your relationship. If so, what are you both willing to do to show that commitment? Be aware that this is a negotiation, so if you need time to consider your options or there's something you're not happy with, then do feel free to discuss it. In fact couples counselling can be extremely useful. With the counsellor's support you can both improve your conflict resolution skills and strengthen the bonds between you. If you're both genuinely willing to make that commitment, you could end up (as other couples have done in these circumstances) with a much more rewarding relationship altogether. One where he earns your trust by being open and behaving in trustworthy ways. You may have been afraid to speak up in case he thought you were nagging or being bitchy, or because you were afraid that saying the wrong thing would have the power to drive him away. That's a thought distortion. You can only invite good treatment, not compel it. Whatever you do or don't do, he's responsible for how he responds.

Because you've been so upset, you might put off any major decisions for a month or two until you feel better about yourself and more on top of things. In that time you might work through some confidence-building materials such as The Positive Woman by Gael Lindenfield and The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr David Burns. Whether or not you and your husband stay together, you deserve good, stable, nourishing love from someone who's able to give it. You might also work through books such as Women Who Love Too Much (and the men who love them)by Robin Norwood and perhaps my own Make Love Work For You (Anne Nicholls) as these offer all kinds of support from confidence-building to working out good ways of interacting. As for your friends, it's up to you what you decide to tell them and when. You might, if you and your husband are trying to make a go of things, just say that you're upset because you and he are going through a sticky patch but you prefer not to talk about it.

You deserve happiness, R, and I wish you the courage to find the help you need. Good luck.