Why won't Dad talk to me?

Dear Anne

Why won't my dad talk to me? My mom and dad got divorced when I was 5. He visited me until I was 7. He had promised to call me every week. I would sit by the phone every night waiting for the call but it never came. I gave up and I would call him. Then all of the sudden he changed his phone number and moved without telling me. I had no way to contact him. I couldn't find any way to contact him until a few months ago. I finally got him phone number from a relative. He told me it was the best thing at the time. Then he promised me that me would call every week. That still hasn't happened. I'm 13 years old and that is the only time I have talked to him in 6 years. Emily

Dear Emily

My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry you've had all this pain. Please believe me when I say this is not about you. You deserve good love. Sadly, not everyone is able to offer that. Your dad's behaviour speaks about him. He's shown that he's not good at stable relationships, not just with you but with others. He's not a man of his word. He's no doubt got good points, but closeness just isn't one of them.

If you ask your mum about his lack of contact, she may be able to reassure you that that's just the kind of guy he is. If she doesn't like talking about him, that's still information about how hurtfully he's behaved towards her and you. None of this is your fault or your responsibility so please don't blame yourself.

Is it worth hoping that suddenly he'll change and become the loving, involved dad that you want? Sorry, sweetheart, but no. I'm sorry to have to say that just sitting there hoping he'll call isn't doing you any good. Instead you can hopefully have nice times with your mum and your friends. You can put energy into your studies and interests. You can put yourself firmly in the spotlight in your own life and let him drift out to the wings, not excluding him if he does get in touch but not worrying if he doesn't.

I wish you contentment and peace of mind. And I hope you won't put up with such intermittent attention from guys when you grow up. Good luck.