Pregnant and beaten

Dear Anne

I'm 8 months pregnant and my bf hit me. I'm not sure what to do. I think I love him. I know I shouldn't but I do. I don't want my baby to miss out. Help me! Sophie

Dear Sophie

It's hard being in love with someone who hurts you, isn't it? Some of the time he's great - probably when everything's going his way - and some of the time he turns into someone completely different. It's easy to love the good parts. But please don't fragment yourself by trying to blank the other parts. It's not disloyal to know that your unhappiness is real. And please don't blame yourself either. Whatever you've done or not done, he has choices about how he responds. He could discuss it rationally so you resolve your difficulties together, which is great for building strong bonds between you. He could just walk away for a few minutes to calm down and then come back and talk it through. He could yell. But what he chose was hitting you. If this guy isn't willing to take responsibility for what he did and seek counselling or anger-management training, that's his problem.

As you've been hit, it's a good idea to have a check-up at your doctor's just to make sure everything's OK with you and the baby. I hope too that you'll contact Women's Aid either via their website at www.womensaid.org.uk or their 24/7 helpline on 0808 2000 247. They won't criticise or push you into anything you're not ready for, but they will be supportive and practical.

Let's talk now about your not wanting the baby to miss out, presumably on having a father involved in his or her life. That's a commendable wish - but offering your child a male role-model who is aggressive and abusive doesn't really fit that ideal picture, does it? Whether it's a boy or girl, do you want him or her growing up thinking it's OK to lose your temper and wallop a woman? And what if he bashes the child too?

You may find it useful to work through some books such as Women Who Love Too Much (and the men who love them) by Robin Norwood, Why does he do that? - Inside the minds of angry and controlling men by Lindy Bancroft, Are You The One For Me? by Barbara de Angelis and perhaps my own Make Love Work For You (Anne Nicholls). All of these include confidence-building as well as tools to help you recover from damaging love and work out who's safe to trust, and relationship skills too.

Sophie, you deserve good, nourishing, stable love that's safe and supportive for you and your baby. Sadly, not everyone is able to offer that. But there are plenty of guys who can. If you decide to split, there's plenty of support around. Groups like Gingerbread (www.gingerbread.org.uk) offer practical and emotional help and social opportunities for you and your little one. Divorced and separated groups are great places for meeting new friends of both sexes. Parent and toddler groups ditto. Your health visitor is another souce of support. Local religious centres (church, chapel, mosque, synagogue or temple) may have playgroups and other support to offer. And the CAB (www.citizensadvice.org.uk) is a great place to find out about benefits, housing, rights and so on.