Dear Anne
I have a burning problem and I really need your help. I was with my girlfriend for nearly 3 years. We had a perfect relationship for the first 2 years when we were both in university. We loved each other very much. We lived together for sometime as well and I really cared a great deal for her. At the end of university she graduated and got herself a 9-5 job while I had 1 more year because of a longer graduate course. We struggled to see each other as much as we did. In December she phoned me and said that it's over and I can't believe it. I tried to understand and be strong but as time passed I needed to know why things changed so suddenly. She told me that she quite simply fell out of love with me, she doesn't see me as her other half any more. More painfully she has fooled around with another guy since she informed me, although she says that wasn't serious and it was just one of those things. I still love her very much and hearing those things from her broke my heart a million times over. I tried to understand but I couldn't and I don't. People who are in love as much as we were don't just fall out of it, do they? Plus they don't fool around with other people so soon either, right? She still wants to be friends with me and keep in touch. I just can't see this being the case. Am I being really selfish about it? I feel like the best way for me to move on and get over her is quite possibly to move away somewhere and start fresh. The only problem I have is I am a law student and have 2 more years of studying. I feel really rotten now and I can't even look at another girl because it reminds me of her every time I do and it reminds me of what she did to me. Anne, any advice you may have for me I will appreciate very much. I am at a loss and I don't want to burden my friends with this all the time. Thank you. David
Dear David
I'm sorry that this relationship ended, and in such a painful way for you. Just because a relationship ends, don't assume it wasn't great at the time. You and she did have good times together. You did love each other. You shared a lot. But now she's moved on to a different kind of life.
Does that mean there's anything wrong with you? That you did something awful? That you missed some vital piece of information? No, of course not. You're just at different points in your lives. Going over and over it in your head to see if somehow you could go back and do something different will get you nowhere. Seeing yourself as somehow flawed because she now wants something different isn't seeing things clearly either. People can and do break up without either of them being inadequate. And then they go on to other relationships. It's just that tastes change as you go through life and it doesn't mean anything bad about either of you. All girls aren't like her. Girls are individuals, just as guys are. They don't all behave in the same ways. Most relationships end. Only the last one lasts, because that's the one with all the ingredients necessary, including both parties wanting to be in the relationship and sharing the same views of it and of life.
But then you need to get on with your life. One where you accept that this relationship, great as it was while it lasted, was only a rehearsal for the real thing. Where you focus on your friends, your studies, your interests. It could be a good idea to talk to your student counsellor as s/he will help you to update your views of yourself, other people and your place in the world so you don't feel you have to escape by moving away. You will in time find good love, love that has staying-power and commitment. And in the meantime, when you've had a bit of time to lick your wounds, you can move into casual dating to use it as everyone else does: a selection process that's fun as well.
I wish you confidence and happiness. Good luck.
