Dear Anne
I'm 20 and of Egyptian origin. My problem is that I don't know how to trust a guy. It's mainly because of my dad. I witnessed him cheat on my mom repeatedly and he made so many promises to stop but he just keeps going back. He even looked me in the face and kind of blamed me for him not being happy and said that it's because of me they are not divorced yet. Growing up, I had a very low self-estem and confidence in my looks since I was very skinny, although now people say I look hot and stuff but I just don't believe it. I think that they want something. I want to fall in love and be with someone but I just can't help the "not able to trust issue" and I keep thinking I'm not good enough. If my own father couldn't keep his promise to me, why should any stranger do? It's worse because my father and I were very close friends until I found out about his infidelity. I really don't know what to do, and I feel alone and depressed all the time. Please help me.... Nancy
Dear Nancy
I quite understand why you feel so hurt, betrayed, isolated, lost ... and fearful. That's a normal reaction to what's been happening for you. But it's not a reaction you have to enshrine in stone. As you get over the shock and start to change the way you've looked at yourself, other people and your place in the world, you'll realise that your worth isn't determined by what any guy - even your dad - does.
Have a look around at the next bunch of people you see in the street. Note their differences in height, weight, hair, age, style of clothing, the attitudes they display by their posture and actions. People are individuals. They're also multi-dimensional. Your dad can be your pal, a good husband in some ways, he can support you through childhood and adolescence, be a friend, a colleague, maybe a good member of some communities - and still not share your views on fidelity. After all, in Egypt lots of people believe in having more than one wife. He may genuinely feel guilty after his indiscretions and know he's let your mom and you down, but still go and do it again. But he's still the same guy he was before you found out about his indiscretions, isn't he?
Are all men like that? No. And there are ways you can learn to improve your trusting skills so you won't get caught out as your mum has been. In short, putting up barriers to wall men out won't keep you safe. Instead, it'll help you fit in with guys who don't do closeness, honesty and emotional intimacy, so isn't it worth finding out how to improve your trusting skills? Books such as Are You The One For Me? by Barbara de Angelis, Women Who Love Too Much (and the men who love them) by Robin Norwood and my own Make Love Work For You can all help you work out who is trustworthy and who isn't.
Now let's talk about self-esteem. In childhood you discounted your good qualities in an attempt to be acceptable to others. It didn't work though, did it? And it still isn't working. Why not write a list of your skills and good qualities and look at it often? You could ask your mom, your friends, and even your dad, what they like and admire about you. Bouncing away compliments leaves you feeling low. But it also leaves you distorting reality, and that's not a good basis for a contented life, is it? Even if you continue to discount the compliments themselves (though I hope you won't), you might accept the implied compliment: that these people either valued you enough to compliment you, or they thought you had the power to give them something they wanted. Both of those say something good about you. And when someone pays you a compliment, I hope you'll just say "Thanks." To reject the compliment openly is to tell the other person, "You're a liar."
For more on self-esteem, why not go to www.coping.org? And join www.confidenceclub.net? You're the only person who's going to be with you for your entire life, so doesn't it make sense to learn how to be your own best friend, your own comforter and supporter? This above all is what makes life the best it can be. Because you can't share good love until you can learn to love yourself.
I wish you self-confidence, and with that will come the courage to make good, nourishing friendships. Then you can treat dating as the selection process it is, and weed out guys who don't want what you want. And how you do that is to go by three things: whether the guy consistently treats you with love and respect so you feel completely accepted; whether you feel comfortable enough to relax and talk openly around him; and whether your friends and his friends think he's a good, respectable, caring guy who's capable of offering good love. All the best, Nancy.
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