Sleeping with my ex

Dear Anne

I have been separated from my husband for 2 years. We have 2 children together and we still sleep together regularly. He says he still loves me and cries to me. He says he misses us. Yesterday I saw him with a girl and when I confronted him, he told me to get over it and move on and that he loved the girl he was with. She was really upset when I said we still sleep together as they have been a couple for 18 months. I just feel gutted and hurt. Why would he do this to me? Jennie

Dear Jennie

I'm sorry you've been hurt all over again. To answer your question: why shouldn't he fall in love with someone else and sleep with her? He's separated from you. It means he has no commitment to your relationship.

Which leaves me wondering why you've been sleeping with him since your separation. That separation wasn't an accident but a statement of intent. When you two parted, that said: "Our relationship can't work so we're now free to look for other partners." It's easy to see why he's been sleeping with you: he likes sex with you. No-strings sex, with someone who's available to him. It's obviously not making love, or he'd have reinstated his commitment to you. Sure, he likes you and fancies you, but that's not enough to build a good relationship on. He may have offered you love but it's not the kind that feels good to you, and you're allowed to know that. Your having slept with him won't hold him to you or keep him with you. And now he's moved on - as he has every right to. And so have you.

A couple of good things have come out of your talking to him and the girl. You've had it proved beyond doubt that he doesn't share your views on sex, love and fidelity, neither to you nor to anyone else, so can you (hopefully soon) be glad that you're now free to look for someone who does? You know for certain that sleeping with him doesn't help you move on. In fact you've found out that while he has good qualities, they come with some hurtful stuff attached. Doesn't that mean you're better off without him?

It may take you a while to work through your pain and disappointment and reach that acceptance. Anger can be tricky but I hope you'll use it safely for yourself and others. I hope you won't take your anger out on the kids or do anything to jeopardise their relationship with their dad, but that might not be easy. So how about confiding in friends whose discretion and compassion you can trust? How about taking your anger to a place in the middle of the country and just yelling it out? Or shouting under a railway bridge when a train goes overhead? How about burning off your anger by doing something physical but helpful, whether it's scrubbing the kitchen floor (perhaps imagining it's his face), hacking back weeds or going for a run? How about realising that your worth doesn't depend on him but on your own self-confidence? Are you willing to give yourself a few days to grieve, then treat yourself kindly as though you're recovering from flu? Seek comfort from your friends and interests until you've started healing?