Nasty in front of his friends

Dear Anne

Am I ugly or does he just act like he doesn't like me in front of his friends? I'm 13 and there's this boy in school that I really like but whenever I ask him out and he's in front of his friends he says no, but when I get his mate to ask him for me, he says "Dunno" or "Maybe." Please help. I don't know what to do. Hannah

Dear Hannah

In the interests of self-preservation, do you really think it's sensible to ask a lad out where anyone else can see and hear? Believe me, it's not! The lad will get all embarrassed and maybe look tough just to show off. And what of getting a friend to ask him out for you? Again, 99 times out of 100 it's going to lead to awkwardness and probably rejection, and if the lad does go out with you, you'll be objects of gossip and the lad will again probably be unkind to show off.

You may think the next bit is sexist, but it's based on years of experience, not just my own but that of all the hundreds of young people I've worked with. In an ideal world, a girl can ask a lad out. Trouble is, the world isn't ideal. Just because you fancy a lad or have a crush on him, it doesn't mean he feels the same. Don't you want a boyfriend who's got the bottle to ask you out and cares enough to do so? Isn't that likelier to lead to a good relationship?

Now let's talk about looks. How a guy treats you isn't just about your looks. It's mostly about what kind of guy he is. Some lads will like what you like, enjoy your sense of humour, your understanding, your kindness or whatever. Some will just want to get into as many knickers as possible, and then probably boast about it. So this guy's embarrassment and lack of decisiveness are not a measure of your looks.

So what now? That's pretty much up to you. You know two things, though. This guy isn't sufficiently into you either to ask you out or agree wholeheartedly to go out with you. Fair enough. We don't all like the same things or the same people. No matter. There are plenty of other lads out there, lads who will want to go out with you. And secondly that if he's nasty to you in front of his friends, he has a nasty streak. Again with a sexist (but true) statement: in general girls mature faster than boys, so you may need to wait a while until a nice lad asks you out.

Why not spend time instead on your interests and studies, and with nice people who leave you feeling valued and accepted? Why not build a nice enjoyable crush on a pop- or film-star until you are someone's girlfriend? Good luck, Hannah.