Will long-lost daughter reject me?

About 18 years ago a partner became pregnant. I was unaware of this at the time. When I was told that the baby girl had been born I sat and worked out the dates but they didn't tally. I decided because of this that the baby wasn't mine. I have recently seen photos (shown me by her mother) of a beautiful young lady who I have absolutely no doubt is our daughter. As soon as I saw her face I instantly knew, and felt an intensity of emotions like never before. Then I spoke for hours with her mother. I am desperate to see our daughter and have her mother's blessing. Our daughter had been brought up as another man's child until 13, when they split up and she was told the truth. I had been pointed out to her and she had seen me in passing more than once, telling her mother she had seen her "dad" in his car again. My own father was absent during my own childhood so I have an idea of her feelings. I have visited her mother and our daughter has been told of my wanting to meet. I am finding it very hard to think of anything else. It is on my mind 24/7 and I am beginning to make mistakes at work, which I never normally do. How do I continue with attempting to meet? I cannot afford to blow this. I don't think my head could take the result of rejection. My emotions have never been anything like this before. I have no other children. I will crack up if she doesn't want to meet, but will never do anything to force the issue as I know it is her decision and totally respect this. What do I do? Adam

Dear Adam

It's not surprising that you're on a bit of an emotional roller-coaster at the moment. However, part of the upset is how you've been thinking about all this. I hope the following ideas will help you find a more stable perspective.

You had evidence, circumstantial but indicative, that this wasn't your child. Therefore you didn't accept the girl as yours. It's not as though this was a thoughtless decision, or a deliberately cruel one, just one based on a misapprehension. People do make mistakes, even you. Now, because of how she looks and what her mum has told you, you believe she is your child. She also believes you're her dad. You've let her know through her mum that you're anxious to meet her. You may have let her know that you'd like to start being a father to her if she wants that. Other than perhaps sending her a pretty notelet, care of her mother, saying you'd love to meet her, there's not much else you can do.

But you and she are different people. She's had a father-figure in her life for her formative years. She's an adult, not a child. To her you will be an extra father-figure, not the only one. (Sorry if that makes you jealous.) If you form a relationship it will be adult-adult much more than parent-child. If she chooses to see you, that's great. But it is up to her so there's nothing for you to blow.