Dear Anne
From 1996 to 1999 I had 3 abortions. I'm not proud of myself, but now I want to start a family with my fiance. We have been having unprotected sex for the past 18 months and nothing is happening. I%u2019ve visited the doctor%u2019s and he has instructed my partner to have a sperm test at his doctor%u2019s but he won't. I am positive it's got something to do with me. Worried
Dear Worried
I%u2019m sorry that you%u2019ve been so worried. It seems you have been feeling blaming yourself. Your feeling guilty, though, doesn%u2019t mean that it%u2019s your fault you haven%u2019t yet conceived. Many women who have abortions go on to have healthy babies so there%u2019s no evidence that your not having conceived is a result of the earlier terminations.
Your doctor is following the normal procedure in inviting your fiance to have a sperm test. Partly this is because it%u2019s a very simple, non-invasive procedure that doesn%u2019t require hospitalisation or aneasthesia. But more importantly, conception is something that happens between two people so it makes sense to look at them both. Besides, if your boyfriend should happen to have a low sperm count at any given moment, simple things like changing from warm, close-fitting underpants to loose, cool jockey-shorts could be all he needs to raise his sperm count. Sperm can also be concentrated if necessary. Your fiance has no need to be self-conscious or embarrassed. If there does happen to be a problem it%u2019s no reflection on his value as a human male. If he has been worried, wouldn%u2019t he feel relieved if the sperm-count was OK?
Assuming the sperm-count is OK, there%u2019s also the possibility that his sperm and your body are incompatible, which could mean that either of you could be fertile with someone else, or you could get pregnant with artificial insemination either by him or even by donor. In that case wouldn%u2019t your fiance still be the father since it is he who will nurture, provide for and bond with the child? And wouldn%u2019t he still be your partner and therefore the de facto father?
Clinics are unlikely to give you any further tests if your fiance is unwilling to do his part. Tests for women may require hospitalisation or anaesthesia, and are generally more complicated to perform. They%u2019re not painful but there may be some discomfort.
I hope your fiance is willing to do his sperm test. If not, you might want to question whether someone who won%u2019t help you in something like this would be supportive in other areas. I wish you luck, and a strong relationship.
