Dear Anne
I've been sufferering from depression for many years since the age of 14. I was mentally bulied at secondary school by two boys and ended up in hospital. At the age of 15 I met a lovely boy who helped me with my depression and was pushing me through life. Only now have I realised I leaned on him too much, expecting him to make me happy. Every day I'd wake up constantly thinking about how much I love him. We were together for nearly 7 years and my depression was slowly being lifted - until last March he was asked to go away for 3 day for business with his dad. I didn't want him to go so I was constantly crying, begging him not to go, being completely obsessed. I was vomiting and had diarrhoea. He explained it wasn't long and went, which broke my heart. When he came back I was slightly low. Them I saw an empty condom wrapper in his case. I went blank. He went quiet as if he had to think for a minute then said it was nothing, he'd bought condoms over there and he and his cousin were throwing them out the window. I started to cry and said I needed to know the truth. He explained he had slept with someone and he explained all the details. I was devastated. I couldn't go through that pain and started cutting my arms because I wanted to die. He got upset and explained he hadn't cheated but it was his way of getting a break from me. He said I'd been stressing him out and wouldn't let him break up. My heart was ripped out of me. I became ill and wouldn't eat, talk or look at things. He kept crying and saying sorry and booked us a make or break holiday. I became isolated, insecure and depressed. Deep down I would think, "I'm going mad, I want to die," but had no guts. I kept trying to ignore the pain even though I needed help. I went into hospital and was having over 30 panic attacks a day. He did a lie detector test which showed he hadn't cheated. I was happy but scared he'd rigged it with the doctor. Since then I've become a complete recluse. I've become so suicidal I write letters to myself begging to die. I watch the news about people dying pray it could be me instead. I reckon I'm having a breakdown and think I will end my life soon. Elena
Dear Elena
I'm sorry you've been feeling suicidal. I applaud your courage both in surviving and in seeking help. At any time day or night you can ring the Samaritans on 08457 909090. I urge you to go to the doctor as soon as possible. Whether in hospital or not, a combination of medication + a talking therapy could help you realise that how you feel now won't be how you'll always feel, and that the past is not a map of the future. While CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) is often offered by the NHS for people who've been experiencing depression, it's also worth considering TA (Transactional Analysis) which has some excellent recovery tools. You could find a TA therapist by emailing admin@ita.org.uk to ask for a list of those in your area. Many therapists are willing to negotiate around fees. They will not judge or condemn you but will be supportive.
You might like to go to www.selfharm.net and www.siari.co.uk. These websites are run by and for those who've experienced the urge to self-harm. There you'll find understanding, support and practical help to build better ways of managing your emotions. You may also wish to go to www.coping.org, where you'll find all kinds of self-help tools. For more on overcoming depression and panic attacks, why not go to my website at www.emotionalmagic.net?
Panic attacks are scary. They're not fatal and they're not heart attacks, which have different symptoms. They're the result of a sudden surplus of adrenaline, which makes the heart race, the breathing faster and shallower, and concentrates the blood supply in the long muscles in case the person needs to fight or run away. This adrenal surge is also designed to make the person concentrate on solving the current problems, which include how you feel. It's therefore helpful to concentrate on externals. Putting your hand under cold running water can help with this. It's also useful to breathe in normally (not deep breathing) for a count of three, breathe out normally for a count of three, and then hold your lungs empty for a count of three, and then keep repeating. This actually tells the body to produce less adrenaline, and concentrating on this "Triangle breathing" helps distract from the symptoms.
You can learn new, self-supportive strategies, Elena. You can learn to accept yourself. Being your own best friend will help you make your life rewarding - step by step, at your own pace - and will help you find good friendships and in time, good love. As you overcome your old desperate dependency, you'll feel much happier and build satisfying relationships with yourself and others. I hope you'll find the courage to seek the help you need, and well done for taking this first step! My thoughts and prayers are with you. Good luck.
