Is this abuse?

Dear Anne

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now. He's my first proper boyfriend and we are very much in love.� He hates me texting male friends of mine and constantly accuses me of cheating and flirting with other men.� I have had to stop visiting a night club entirely due to his conviction that I will cheat with a bouncer there.� He expects me to ring him every night, even in the early hours of the morning when I get back from clubbing.� He wants to know where I am at all times, who I'm with, how I'm getting there, and what time I'll be home.�

He always expects me to wear something he has bought me as a constant reminder that I am 'taken'.� He hates me drinking except when I am with him, and often makes me feel guilty if I have had a drink on a night out with friends. I have told him that this bothers me and I need him to trust me and give me some space, but he lives 100 miles from me and this just adds to his paranoia.� I have taken to lying to him about who I am texting or who I am with so that I can still see male friends of mine from before our relationship.� He says that it is my fault he cannot trust me and that I shouldn't expect him to when "all I do is lie". A few months back I got very drunk at a party. My boyfriend was picking me up after driving two and a half hours to see me and was extremely angry to find me in this state.� He sped home with such anger I was terrified. He then proceeded to tell me how awful I had been to him, that I stank and that he couldn't believe I could do this to him.�

I sobbed until I couldn't catch my breath and begged for him to forgive me but still he said I was selfish.� I finally passed out, sick, tired from crying, and heavily hung-over.� He woke me half an hour later to have sex with me even though I was virtually unconscious and had no say in the matter.� This made me feel like a sex toy and as if he had no respect for me at all.� When I told him the following day, he simply laughed it off and told me I shouldn't have got so drunk then. He has done other things to me such as have sex with me when I very ill with tonsillitis and I mean ill. I had to be hospitalised.� He dragged me out and proceeded to have intercourse with me even though I was feeling terribly ill.�

He wanted me to give him oral sex, but due to my swollen tonsils I could not even open my mouth wide enough to put his penis in my mouth, so he forced it and caused me much pain. He does not use condoms although I cannot go on the pill because he says he can feel nothing when we use protection.� I am very worried about the possibility of becoming pregnant and have told him this many times but he cannot go without unprotected sex for long enough for us to use a tester kit (you must have not had unprotected sex for 19 days for this to work).� I have told him we have to use them but this does nothing to change his attitude. Recently I've become closer to a male friend of mine and he says this behaviour is just a way of controlling me.� I never saw it like this before but the more people I ask, they all say that I should end it with my boyfriend as he is just manipulating and controlling me. He says the way my boyfriend treats me is sexual abuse and that he doesn't care about me.�

He thinks that the episode where my boyfriend had sex with me even though I was only semi-conscious through drink constitutes rape and says he cannot understand how I can forgive him.� He says that if I became pregnant and had to get rid of it, my boyfriend would not even care enough to go without sex for the mandatory 6weeks, and that he would risk damaging my fertility for life. My boyfriend seems like the perfect bloke. He's loving, kind, devoted, and he would do anything for me.� I see something others don't. I know he would not hurt me and I think I am over-reacting to call his treatment abuse.�

It's hard to convince people that he really is the wonderful person that he seems and that he does these bad things because he doesn't realise how they hurt me.� Am I just insane?� My friend says I sound like a battered wife trying to defend him, but he doesn't see what I do.� I am going mad through confusion. Please tell me what you think of the situation. Is it as bad as it sounds?� Should I leave him?� I love him so much. Please help. Kate

Dear Kate

I'm glad you wrote in, not just for your own sake but also for all the thousands of others, men and women, who are in relationships like yours. Nobody can decide for you what you should do, but here are some questions. Your answers to them will be your best guide.

I know you love your boyfriend and that first love is very special. You're an intelligent and articulate woman and you can see all the good things about this guy. But can you honestly sustain your belief that he'd do nothing to hurt you? Hasn't he forced you to perform oral't he consistently disregarded your feelings by refusing to use condoms when that puts you at risk of pregnancy? Is that a considerate thing for him to do? Don't you find his sexual demands are sometimes selfish and callous? Hasn't his frequently calling you a liar disregarded your personal honour? Don't his accusations of your being untrustworthy discount your loyalty? Don't you find his dictating what you wear to mark you out as his territory is humiliating? Don't you hate the way he disrespects you? Do you enjoy his angry tirades? Don't you feel any sense of injustice on your own behalf? I would!

When you were growing up you must have had dreams about what love would be like. Did it include a guy who slags you off and punishes you with his moods? Back then, if you'd imagined being ill, did you see your perfect lover as kind and supportive or as heartlessly forcing you to gratify him when what you really needed was peaceful nurturing?

But that love can be bad as well as good. Good love is kind, supportive and considerate in deed as well as word. It leaves you feeling whole and valued rather than criticised and undermined. It certainly doesn't put you or your fertility at risk. The fact that your boyfriend can't trust you is about him, not about you. His possessive, jealous, controlling behaviours have put you in a situation where you feel you have to lie just to have any freedom.

So is all this abuse? Tha's what your friend and I would call it but the definition surely has to depend on whether you like being insulted, controlled, hurt and bullied emotionally and sexually. If you do, there's no problem. (In which case, why write in?) If you don't like it, it doesn't matter what you call it. The fact remains that your feelings keep telling you being with this guy can be physically and emotionally painful. You'd have a hard time trying to convince a jury that his forcing you into sex was rape seeing as you consented to sex with him on other occasions, but it still hurt, humiliated and upset you, didn't it? Like your friend, most men would be horrified if anyone thought they'd treat their girlfriends as badly as your boyfriend has treated you.

What you do about it, though, is up to you. I think you deserve good love. Do you? I hope so. You've been with this guy long enough to know that he's not likely to change. After all, he hasn't valued your feelings so far, has he? So why would he start doing something different if what he's doing already is getting him what he wants? And you know that while you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting more of what you've already got.

I hope you will find a relationship where you feel unreservedly loved and valued. I hope you'll find someone with whom you can be your own, natural self and feel completely accepted. But do you honestly think that's likely to be with this man?

You've got a lot going for you: kindness, consideration and fidelity are just some of your good points. There are plenty of other guys you could date to see which ones you feel more comfortable with. And I hope you'll let all your feelings, not just the ones you think you're supposed to have, be your guide. Good luck!

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