Dear Anne
Basically I'm just really low all the time. I always feel down. I don't really have any friends. When I was younger I started to go out with someone who was a different race than me and I sort of lost all my friends. My parents are racists and when they found out, they were disgusted with me. We stopped seeing each other as my father threatened his life but we couldn't stop thinking about each other and started to see each other again. We've now been together for nearly five years in secret! I do love him a lot and he's the only person I've got. But I'm still not happy. I feel so alone! The worst thing is knowing I will never be able to marry him, have his children or be a family. We will always be a secret. Anonymous
Dear Anonymous
I'm sorry you're so alone. But your unhappiness is sending you a message: do something different to seek happiness. Your parents are judgmental and at least one of them is violent and controlling. Your partner accepts a secret romance instead of one where he's proud to be seen with you, which may indicate a lack of willingness to commit to a permanent, live-in relationship. And you've lost contact with your friends. These are three separate issues, and the common thread is confidence. Your confidence - or the lack of it.
One thought-process seems to dominate your life: never! I guarantee that if you carry on doing what you've been doing, you'll keep getting the same. Try replacing those never thoughts with sometimes and one day. Then set about solving those problems separately until you've made your one day come true.
There are loads of people who are happy to accept mixed-race couples amongst their intimates, even if your family isn't. There are loads of places where they're common. Is your partner willing to discuss living together in a different city? If he's up for it, you'd need to prepare to find jobs and housing there. You'd need to save up for deposits, and research social opportunities, whether that's through sports, dancing, interest groups or classes such as assertiveness. Meantime you could practise the arts of friendship. Try smiling at 10 strangers in safe settings over the course of a week. You'll find on average 7 or 8 smile back. Then you'll know you can invite a friendly response from nice people. Then chat in queues, simple stuff like "They ought to have more cashiers on" or "Dreadful weather, isn't it?" Again the same proportion will respond in a friendly way. You're the only person who can break through your loneliness. And it will help enormously in enriching all aspects of your life. With more friends you wouldn't feel dependent on your feller and the sporadic attention he offers.
So what if your boyfriend doesn't want to move? Even worse, what if he'd prefer to keep you a secret? Then you'd know this relationship is never going anywhere because actually you and he don't want the same things. And do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a guy who isn't prepared to stand up and be seen with you?
