New baby threatens our marriage

Dear Anne

Before I met my husband four years ago I already had two children from my previous relationship. My husband and I decided we'd like a baby together. We were have to have a little girl who's now nearly 3. Over the last 3 years I've completed an access to higher education course at tech and applied to go to university this year. Unfortunately I didn't get a place, and found out I'm 5 months pregnant! After booking and subsequently cancelling a termination, I have slowly got used to the idea of another baby although money is already tight and at 31 I'm getting old. At first my husband was supportive but now seems totally withdrawn from the pregnancy. People have told me that when they've said "Congratulations!" on the baby he just says, "Is it?" We've led a very fiery relationship from the word go but this is destroying everything, especially as he's drinking more, which makes him argumentative. I don't know if I can make this work any more. It seems I've had to fight from day 1 of our marriage and it's wearing me down to the point of feeling depressed. I'm scared he will hate the baby when it's born and that I will suffer post-natal depression as a result. Any suggestions would be appreciated as I have run out of ways to talk to him. Everytime I try, he says I'm moaning and would rather I didn't speak. Lindsay

Dear Lindsay

I'm sorry you're finding yourself in this difficult situation. Having three small children can be rewarding but it's also likely to be stressful, not least because of financial pressures. A pregnancy can be stressful, especially if you have 3 littl'uns already. And a fiery relationship with a husband who would rather drink than resolve problems is stressful too.

Other stresses depend partly on what you think. You mention that you haven't got into uni this year, but that doesn't mean you never will. In fact as you're due to give birth in the not-too-distant future, it's perhaps a blessing in disguise. I hope you're congratulating yourself on having the intelligence, courage and persistence to have done your access course despite all the other things going on in your life. Also you're adding to your stress because you're scared you'll suffer PND after the birth, but you don't know that. True, it's easier to cope if your husband is supportive, but even if you did get it, PND is very treatable. Counselling is particularly useful, but short-term medication may also help rebalance your body-chemistry so you feel stronger and more on top of things. If you do recognise depression or stress, go and see your doctor and your health visitor as soon as possible. The sooner you address it, the quicker it goes. And don't blame yourself, because it's fairly common and therefore a normal if not very nice aspect of life. For more on overcoming depression, why not go to my website at www.emotionalmagic.net? By realising you can deal with it and get help in dealing with it, you won't waste energy or make yourself worse because you know you can deal even with the worst-case scenario. Concentrate on making the present moment the best and most rewarding it can be for yourself and your kids. When tomorrow comes, you'll deal with whatever you get. After all, if you're already coping with a home, 3 kids and a difficult husband, so you're strong and you have good organisational skills!

Onto the subject of your fiery relationship. You say that you don't know if you (on your own) can make this marriage work any more. The answer is that on your own you can't. It takes two to tango. At the outside you're only responsible for 50% of what happens because there are two of you in this marriage and he's responsible for his half. Please don't accept blame that isn't yours! That's far easier to say than to do if you have a husband who resorts to the bottle, but it's important. When you're in relationship with a person who drinks to the point their behaviour changes, you have to recognise that you can't change him. All you can change is your own behaviour. If you change, he can't continue to treat you the same.

You've discovered that "moaning" (if it is that!), nagging and pressuring him don't work. Why not mentally hand him back his responsibility for his thoughts, feelings and actions and spend that energy on taking care of your own? You could work through some confidence-building materials, perhaps including my own books Is Your Family Driving You Mad? and Make Love Work For You, though there are plenty of others. I particularly recommend Gael Lindenfield's The Positive Woman. All of these could help you change your tactics in dealing with your husband. And on the subject of his drinking, you might get hold of a copy of Al-Anon's wonderful leaflet The Merry-go-Round called Denial. Al-Anon's website is at www.alanonuk@aol.com.

You could try the Emotional Literacy formula "Are you willing to ...?" with a specific, time-limited negotation (e.g. "Will you bathe X and put him/her to bed tonight?" and if he's willing, great. If not, ask him if there's anything he's willing to do instead. What he does (and doesn't do) is information you can use to make good decisions for yourself.

Well, Lindsay, it's over to you now. If push comes to shove and you split up, you'll have some tough times but you'll come through them. Since you've had the strength to keep going and taking care of your kids despite all the aggro, you're definitely a survivor. I wish you a wonderful relationship with all your children including the bump, and especially a great relationship with yourself. Good luck!