Dear Anne
My boyfriend and I started dating in September. We got pregnant about a month later. (Not on purpose!) We had what I thought was the best relationship of my life. I had to go away for a week to testify at my ex's court martial. That stirred up a lot of emotional baggage. I wasn't sure if I was still in love with my ex. In the end I really did want to be with my boyfriend and I just needed actually to deal with the closure of the previous relationship. About a month ago I woke up at 4 a.m. and my boyfriend wasn't home. I panicked when he didn't answer his phone. I ended up calling people he'd called before to try and find him. All of his friends answered save one: this girl from work. In the end he'd been in jail for having his cook's knife in the car which the police considered a hidden weapon. (I haven't actually seen any of the paperwork to back up this story.) Turns out there were rumours that he and this girl had slept together. That was upsetting since about a week prior he had come home late after a farewell party for a co-worker. He said he'd followed a drunken friend home to make sure he made it safely. When he got in bed at our place he sent him a text that said, "Sometimes I miss you, why do you change too much?" and sent it to a contact with the girl's name. He wouldn't let me see the phone to verify that he'd sent it as a joke to a friend who had a crush on her, but phone records proved it was to her, as well as other late-night calls and texts. He denied they'd ever done anything. However, he bragged to a male friend that he'd gotten really drunk and slept with her, and finally confessed to me that he'd gotten drunk and woke up with her, both more or less dressed. Her story has always been that nothing happened, but she doesn't have the best reputation for honesty. My problem is that I don't know what to believe. Since then I have caught him telling lies about stupid things so it's hard to know what the truth is. We're broken up right now, because he says he needs time to think. His best friend tells me all he'd kept saying how much he loved me and how excited he was that we were having a baby. It just doesn't make any sense. I love him so much and really just want to get the truth out and move on. I understand people make mistakes and that he more than likely has a drinking problem. I'd be willing to support him through that. I just can't stand being lied to. I know that there's no point in worrying about it if HE doesn't want to get back together, but if he does ... can I ask him to take a lie-detector test? Stephanie
Dear Stephanie
No, to me the big question is why you want to shoehorn this guy into your image of a good partner. Is it just for the baby's sake? In which case you'd be offering your child a very poor role-model of acceptable male behaviour, let alone assertive womanhood. Is it because you choose to live in a society that would criticise you and your child if you were a single mother if s/he doesn't have a live-in father, however drunk and undependable? Or is it because you "just" want to be loved? That you only feel OK about yourself if some guy offers you attention? Do you have to cling onto the nice parts of that attention to keep your self-esteem despite the horrible parts?
These are painful questions, I know, but I'm not attacking you. Far from it. You really do have my sympathy. What I'm doing is inviting you to look at what's really going on rather than what you'd like to happen. That way your choices for yourself and your child will be based not on fantasy but on reality.
Of course, much of what happens now is up to you. If by any chance the boyfriend tries to get back into your life and your bed, are you going to put up with it? Blind yourself to what he's like and hope for the best? Or are you going to invite him to be the best father that he can, even though not a live-in one? Are you going to contact your support network of friends and family? Are you going to research any State support you'd be entitled to? Find out about housing, voluntary organisations that help single mothers, work out how you're going to live and support yourself and your child? That includes, of course, emotional as well as practical support. In the UK I'd suggest contacting the CAB (www.citizensadvice.org.uk) but from the way you write it's possible you're in the USA. I know there's a branch you can contact via www.cabny.org, so it could be worth seeing if there's a branch near where you live. I'm sure you've been sensible enough to talk things through with a doctor, but can s/he recommend any support?
Whatever happens, Stephanie, it's important to hold onto the fact that you matter. You are a worthwhile individual deserving respect and good love. But will you find good love while you cling to guys who just aren't capable of giving it?
I wish you and your child every happiness. Good luck.
