Dear Anne
After 8 blissful months together, my boyfriend is now in prison doing a year's sentence for a crime of which I have no knowledge (but I think it's something to do with fraud). Whilst he has apologised profusely and has asked me to wait for him, I still don't know what he's done for sure and I'm starting to lose faith now because the contact between us is so sporadic. We talked about getting married before all this and to be honest I've never been so happy as when I was with him. He basically became the love of my life and we had so much fun and were really open and honest with each other. Now the days drag now and I've recently lost my job so I've got too much time to think and all my thinking is negative. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I'm all for giving someone a chance but he hardly writes or phones and my friends are mostly on his side in terms of thinking about how awful it must be for him, whereas I'm just feeling sorry for myself all the time. The thing is, I think I'm falling into depression. It was all so sudden and I've been without him for nearly 4 months. I do love him still, there's no doubt about that, but I feel a bit in limbo - I've kind of got a boyfriend but I haven't - and a bit abandoned. He's been moved to another part of England where it's too far for me to visit, as well as my not being in a financial position to meet the fares. Even his family haven't been in touch at all even though I used to go to his mum's occasionally for dinner. I'm lost and lonely and I don't really know how to make things better. I'm the one who writes all the letters and I feel very unappreciated. Anna
Dear Anna
I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. However painful the messages your emotions are sending you, though, they're useful information which will help you to make the best decision you can for yourself.
Let's talk about your relationship. This guy has become a love of your life, but I doubt he's the love of your life. Why do I think this? Because of how he's been treating you. You say he's been honest and open with you. How true is that really? There was sufficient space between you for him not to have shown you he'd been committing a crime or crimes. He's still not let you know what he's been imprisoned for, but it can't be trivial or he wouldn't have got such a long custodial sentence. While he's probably limited in the number of letters and phone-calls he can make, he's still making less contact than you are. You're feeling lost and abandoned, and quite rightly so. Not because you deserve it, but because that's exactly what he has been doing. You, his family and your mates may all feel sorry for him, but that doesn't alter the fact that (a) he's suffering the consequences of his own actions and (b) he's not keeping you close or being truly intimate with you.
For all the attempts you've made to invite him to let you more fully into his life, what have they got you? That's not about you, it's about him. It's a series of clues as to how he handles relationships. Is that what you want from life, always to be on the outside, feeling discounted and hoping for more?
I hope you'll value yourself enough to acknowledge that you deserve better. You deserve true intimacy, complete honesty and openness, and good love which leaves you feeling valued and nurtured. If this guy can't give that (which his actions indicate), then isn't it time you finished with him and moved on? If others don't approve of that, it's their hard luck. You're the one who's in charge of your life and you can decide on your own actions.
I hope too that you'll find good, supportive friendships with people who value you. And that you get out and about more and have fun. There are plenty of decent guys around, and plenty of other nice women to pal around with. Good people. People who do 50-50 relationships. People who appreciate your good qualities. Over to you, Anna.
