Is it worth trying again?

I have lived with my partner for the last twelve years. During the last two our relationship gradually deteriorated, so much so that we agreed to split, put the house up for sale but continued to live in the same house. There's been no sexual contact between us for nearly twelve months. I built myself another social life and was waiting till the house was sold so that I could move on properly. During this period my partner continued to cook, clean, wash etc. for us both. Last week she came home and told me she had done something truly awful. It seems that she had slept with another man and got pregnant. She terminated the pregnancy. We sat down and talked for hours and she wants us to try again. She said she's always loved me but felt insecure and unworthy of me and that she had problems with jealousy. I have realised that I have strong feelings for her but still feel as though I've been betrayed. I really can't decide whether or not to give it another go. I feel as though much of the time I took her for granted. She's always looked after me, been there for me and perhaps I didn't reciprocate. Should we try again or not? David

Dear David

Wow! There are plenty of factors here that need addressing so that either you can both wipe the slate clean and move on to more fulfilling romances, or resolve things between you and build a new (and hopefully more rewarding) relationship between you. Until you start doing something more constructive, there's no way of knowing whether things will work out between you. Here are some thoughts on how you might both do that. I say both, because any relationship worth having is the responsibility of both partners.

If you have someone who feels used and taken for granted, it's going to be hard for them to feel loved, valued and appreciated. And unless they do feel those things, they're not going to want to stay faithful, are they? It sounds like you both have individual issues that need sorting out. For your girlfriend, there's something in there about learning how to get and internalise positive attention so she doesn't feel insecure. For you, there are questions about what good love is, both the giving and the getting of it. And about how to let go of that understandable but irrational feeling of betrayal. After all, you and she weren't actually together so how could it be infidelity? But both of you need external input on those issues, don't you think?

So how about both of you deciding you'll give it your best shot for six months and if you haven't learned to share good love in that time, splitting amicably? In that time you and she could profitably have some counselling, both as a couple and on an individual basis. A good counsellor, one with whom you both feel comfortable working, is one who will help in both those ways. Even if you and your partner don't decide to stay together, what you learn will be of immense use both personally and in future relationships.