Blood family discount me

Dear Anne

I have two wonderful children and a loving husband. All's perfect with my family - except my blood family. They don't bother with me and my family at all! I have brothers and sisters who have children and partners. Every Sunday and sometimes through the week they all go to my parents' house for meals. This annoys me because they openly tell me that they have been invited there. I've asked, yes, asked my mother if I and my family could have Sunday dinner one day. She said no because she cooks for my brothers and sisters and their kids and partners. She also replied "What will they do for their dinner?" I'm angry at them all. I have never relied on my parents for money or everyday situations because they're pensioners now and they deserve to relax and enjoy each other. Help me. I feel I want to disown them all. I want their love. Donna

Dear Donna

Family can be maddening, can't they? They get set in their own little patterns and can stay stuck there for years, never realising they're causing hurt by doing so.

There are various aspects I'd like to bring out from your letter. Firstly, you've demonstrated your independence by looking after yourself and building your own loving family. Some family members may not be able to separate out love from the carer/dependent perspective. This is a common pattern and not down to you or any failing in you, but people (including your rellies) can't see their own blind spots and I think this could well be what's happening for your birth-kin. Some people identify so completely with their parental role that they become not individuals so much as Parents with a capital P. Your sisters and brothers have set up the habit of needing your mum to feed them, at least in your mum's mind, hence her saying, "What will they do for their dinner?" She gets a feeling of personal value from being needed in this way, so she equates feeding "helpless" people with love. You have apparently fitted in with this both by being independent (which they may see as no longer being needed and therefore perhaps wanting a watered-down version of their Parental love), and by being so considerate of your Parents being pensioners, needing time for themselves etc.

Is there a possibility that they see this as your not loving them as intensely as your siblings do? Are there other things you can do to show your parents how much you love them? Could you perhaps ring or visit more frequently for a chat? Are they the kind of Parents who accept hugs or "I love you'"s? And by the way, your sibs talking openly of their invitations to the Parents' place isn't necessarily meant as one-upmanship. They could just believe that independent you are quite OK with things as they stand.

Now let's talk about changing habits. People do have habits of relating, and this can be especially so for Parent-types such as yours. Your mum is used to having x number of people at her Sunday dinners and there probably isn't physically room for more. Nor would she probably feel OK about asking one lot of habitual Sunday-dinner people not to go because she'd be afraid of hurting their feelings, the poor dependent little darlings. Since she knows how well you can cope, she probably doesn't see the need. So how about asking for other possibilities? How about if you asked, "Mum, how would you and Dad like to come round for dinner at ours on Saturday?" or similar? Or could you ask (and yes, you do need to ask; that's the independent, considerate and grown-up thing to do even if your siblings just take your Parents for granted) "Mum, I'd love it if my husband and children and I could come round to dinner at your place one night when it's convenient for you and us. It would make me feel really included, valued and loved. Is that OK with you?" You might also pop round for a cuppa some time by mutual arrangement when it's just going to be you and your Parents. That in itself might be enough but you might decide to say something about your feelings, perhaps along the lines of, "Mum, Dad, you've done so much for us all over the years so I know you love me as well as everyone else, only sometimes I feel a bit shut out and second-best because you seem to spend so much more time with (name your siblings). I'm quite hurt about that, so what can we do to enjoy each other's company a bit more?" Depending on your Parents' emotional maturity you might add, "Because I know that at some point you're not going to be around any more so I want to make the best of our being together while we can."

So much of the communication in families is done by rumour and guesswork, isn't it? Have you ever thought that your mum and dad might feel excluded because you don't ask for their help? Have you ever offered them the opportunity to help? Have you thought of asking them if they'd like to child-mind for you sometimes, for example? This could be particularly valuable if they do the caring = love thing. And have you told them how much your kids love their grandparents? Have you offered to do things for them?

Just shutting your parents completely out of your life would hurt you and them, and give the rest of the family opportunities for character-assassination. Besides, if you don't value your feelings enough to operate openly and assertively on them, how would your Parents know how you feel? And if they don't know how you feel (that's another thought-distortion, by the way: knowing how someone feels isn't the same as love) how can they help you feel better?

Disowning them all will give you zero chance of getting your needs met. I really do hope you'll speak a bit more openly to your Parents. There are no guarantees but it does give you the best chance of getting more of what you want. But do remember that parents - even Parents - aren't perfect and their behaviour speaks about them and their shortcomings, not about you. And you do know you're lovable because you have your own lovely family. Good luck.